Hello again
Yes that is the way I am thinking right now. I am experiencing something I have never felt before. Sure I have lost the use of my right arm before. But this time it is lower than it normally is. And I can't even pick up my tea cup with my right arm. And my hip, I have no idea about that. I have never, ever not been able to walk before.
My hip pain is a little better, but that could be due to the fact that I get use to pain very quickly. I can walk better, but not anywhere near as far as I could before last weekend. No idea what happened. I didn't fall, or slip at all.
Now life has thrown me a curve ball, Or life took my life away. It screwed me over. Life messed my life up.
I was doing OK, Sure I didn't have everything, but I had enough. I took care of my mother for many, many years, and lived an OK life. I loved what I did and would still be looking after her if the home hadn't murdered mom. I did go out and did things. Than life took my mother away, gave me nothing in return. I was my mother's caregiver. I was a person who cared deeply for someone and made sure that my mother lived out the remainder of her life with grace and well loved.
Everyone kept telling how blessed I will be for taking care of my mother the way I did and for all those years. How wrong were they. Blessed in what. Blessed in the fact that I will become homeless shortly. Blessed that I have nothing. Blessed that I am in more pain than before. Blessed that I have Parkinson's, Fibromalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes and so on and so on.....Blessed that I can't even give my mother a proper memorial service. Blessed that I can't bury my mother where her parents are buried. Blessed that I can't even afford a bus pass. Blessed that I have no way of doing anything. Blessed that I can barely walk now or use my right arm anymore. Blessed that I can't pay my bills, Blessed in the fact I go for job interviews and never get the jobs.
Blessed in the fact that it is going to be my mother's one year anniversary since she passed away and I am not even close to getting over it. I have realized that in the last few days. I am messed up. Everything is coming back to me. Her last days, no one around to even say goodbye to mom. Blessed that I have a family that wants nothing to do with me. OK I don't care. But it would be nice to have someone around that I can speak with.
Blessed that life screwed me over big time.
I have done everything I could do this past year. I needed to grieve. I needed counseling. I need to see another counselor I have not had a chance to properly grieve. You get a few sessions and than that is it. I am trying to find a bereavement group. But they are all just six weeks in length. Six weeks. Come on. It has almost been a year and I am realizing I am not even close to getting over mom's passing. I am trying to reach out, but to whom. It seems there is no one there for me.
So I say, in my final comments this evening. LIFE HAS SCREWED ME OVER. There is nothing life has given me this past year that I can say helped me out. Not even a single person to talk to.Nor anyone to help me give my mother a memorial service. Or even help me out to get new dentures Or that I have no one in my life to love me. Loneliness is killing me slowly
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/anewmesmile
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W..A..Schmuland
