Hello again.
Today I was cold, wet, soaking wet and I think I blacked out for a while. You see I left my house at 2:07 PM I know, because The Price is Right just started and I got downtown at 3:50 soaking wet. Well I always leave at this time and I am always downtown at 3:15 3:20 no latter. Yes it was raining, Ice rain at that, but I don't know what happened to this time. I am not sure where it went. I really don't remember this time. But I was very wet and I have red spots all over my hands and face.
It could be because I have not eaten in, well now it has been two weeks. I know this because my roommate has been gone for almost 18 days now. And it was a few days after he left when I ran out of groceries.
The worst part of this is that I have nothing left to bring mom. I have no juice or coke left and I am feeling really bad about this. I was crying tonight when I was apologizing to mom for not having the drinks and fruit or snacks for her. It really hurts me that I cannot even buy mom her coke or banana colada fuze drink. Or even bring her cheese that she likes. If mom did not like her dinner, at least I would have fruit, a nice dessert, cheese, crackers and her drinks. And she at least ate something, and became full.
I can't even do this now. mom drank the last sip of her fuze drink and the last of the very, very flat coke tonight. I had nothing else to give her this evening and I am feeling extremely bad about this. And I don't know what I am going to do, tomorrow, Saturday. For her. I need to bring mom something.
I have been praying all day long to please let me find $100. today. But of course not.
Well remember I mentioned about craving Chinese food. Now I am dreaming about it. And my dream goes something like this. I go to the restaurant 1 block up from the hospital. And buy a whole bunch of different items. I take it to mom's and we go to her room and it is all spread out on her bed. Of course towels covering the bed. And mom and I just taking some off this and some of that. Just eating and eating. Laughing, talking, singing. listening to music. And just enjoying ourselves. And then I chocolate lava cake for each of us for dessert. That is exactly how my dream goes.
Man would I like to be able to do this for mom tomorrow, well today. I have nothing.
O yea I stink. I have never stunk before, My clothing stinks. And I cannot do laundry until Sunday, Late Saturday night.The clothing that I have worn everyday for the last month. Well washing it once a week. Last week I did not have laundry soap, and it did not come to clean and now I still have no soap and they just stink. Plain and simple.
I know I am depressed and I think I have a reason to be. Let's see now. In the last ten years, my Grandfather died of Dementia, and my father died of it as well. Now my mother has it. And there is no cure, none what so ever. Nobody even knows how one gets it. But it is a killer of our loved one's. And my mother and I are close. I have no problem admitting I am a mommy's boy. It does not bother me.
This blog is my way of letting It all out.
You know this is so out their that I could never make this up. I have never gone through anything like this.
As in today, I am absolutely starving and am willing to eat cardboard. But I want the things for mom.
OK I am starting to go and my mind is not in a good place right now. I am feeling extremely light headed.
So I need help and I have to go.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
