Hello again
It was a better day today, the sun was out and I spent time remembering mom Her beauty, her likes, her personality. I hardly cried today, doesn't mean tomorrow I will not cry. Just remembering her today made me feel good.
Yesterday I received a call from the lovely women I knew through Al Hogg. She didn't know if it would be intrusive to call me, or a bad time. But I was happy someone from there called me, It was very nice of her to think about me, and to say sorry for your loss.
At least someone called to express sorrow. No one else has, to my disappointment. I thought after spending years there, everyday, that at least one person would of called by now. But I thought wrong. To bad, I liked most of the staff.
But today, being a good day, doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not moving out there, just taking anything to be closer to mom. But I wanted to have a place that I could bring mom too. I was just not thinking or just being to picky. To my mother's detriment. Not having me over more often and not bringing her over for meals or just to get out of the place.
That dam bus ride, took to much time, by the time I arrived it was dinner. Well almost dinner.
I do feel like a complete looser though. Not worthy. I won't be able to get over that. It will haunt me until the day I die. I just wanted so much more for my mother. So much. I guess I wasn't willing to bend over backwards. It is hurtful to me.
I feel pain and I am feeling more now than earlier today. I am very sad, upset and extremely lonely. I have never felt so alone in my life. I wasn't alone before. Even though I had no friends left, I had mom to talk to, mom to spend time with. She was my friend and mother. Even though she could not speak, I still asked her questions and asked for her advice. She was mom and only mom's can give you proper advice.
So now I morn with a huge hole in my heart. I cannot stop feeling alone. I hurt deep down, and only GOD can save me.
I miss mom each and everyday. More and more. It has still not sunk in that she is gone. I still want to call the home and ask if she is OK. But I know she has passed on. Her spirit still lives in me. I can feel her.
Yet I still am waiting for mom to come and visit me. I do believe this. I believe our loved one's spirits live on and can come and speak to us, to guide us. To encourage us. I wait for you mom. I love you and miss you.
I don't know what to do now, I go out, to nowhere, I travel to nowhere. I just exist. Not hungry, not sleeping much at all. I keep waking up at 3 am. I don't know why 3 am, but that is the magical hour for me to wake up. Strange.
I am getting maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. I am exhausted all day, and almost falling asleep on the bus all the time. I wonder if anyone notices that I am going nowhere, rather slowly. I wonder if anyone even see's me. I know no one even cares when I start to shed a tear on the bus. But I go on.
I go on to nothing. I have nothing and I feel that I am nothing without taking care of mom.
This is something I was not prepared for. Even though I knew someday this was going to happen. But not this soon.
I am now without both parents. I am to young for this. But mom lived until she was 87 and dad 88. so they had many many years. Yet I know mom would of lived longer if the home would of listened to me when I said she was sick. Not wait until I threatened to take mom to the hospital, is when they did something about it.
I am upset at that. I do have more important things to do than worry about that.
Mom's ashes are now sitting in the funeral home and will be there for a very long time. Just sitting thanks to my sister's and their greed. Wanting everything, yet doing nothing for there mother in the last 10 years of her life .... I would know, I was there.
Well now what to do. I won't get much sleep and I am up early to go to church. Where I should be meeting people. But not really. The same old same old. I went there last Sunday, the pastor knows all about my loss and no one else knows. It is OK, I am not a member.
But I will continue to go. I will just try to get to sleep earlier tonight. Yes tonight, It is 12: 08 here. Today it will be 3 weeks since mom passed away and it is still just as fresh as it was the day she passed away. Yes 3 weeks.
I ask for your help again. I don't ask for allot. Just a few dollars from each and my goal will be reached. Who knows how long mom will sit.
$1.00 or$5.00 from enough people and my goal will be met.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless you and good night
Kris Schmuland
