Hello again
It has been a ruff day for me. I have been thinking about mom, looking at the photo's I have of her. Thinking I didn't take enough pictures of her. I need more, more. Is this going to be enough.
I am thinking about the fact that I didn't just go there everyday to take care of her. I did it so mom wouldn't be alone. GOD knows I know what it is like to be alone and lonely. And I knew she did as well.
She lost her voice to the strokes. Mom couldn't do anything for herself. She needed everyone's help. And didn't get it when she really needed it.
I wasn't about to let her sit by herself all day, everyday. I regret not being there longer each day. I feel guilty about not just taking anything, place that is, in order for me to be closer to mom.
I wasted so much time traveling, Time I could of been sitting by her side talking to her. Enjoying these last years with her.
I was on the bus and looking at her pictures and started to cry. I just couldn't stop. All day today it has been like that. The smallest thing set me off. Crying that is.
I do really miss mom. I know she is in heaven and with dad. But I want her back. I miss her. I miss just helping her.
I was not ready and I am not ready for this. To soon, to quick. I am really feeling it today.
The pain deep down inside me is now starting to come to the surface and it is heavy. There is no one to whom I can speak with. Just me and me only. My phone doesn't ring with anyone wanting to help.
At least I had mom to talk to. Now no one. Not a soul. I am truly alone. And it hurts. I am very depressed today. And it is not getting any better. I just traveled on the bus this evening.
I did manage to get some things done today. That were important. And got a number to a counseling service. But by the time I can see them, I will have no way to get there.
The advocate I saw today is going to help me get things down. But months and months before I see any results.
Yes you say, I should of been doing this all the while. But mom was first and it was more important to help her out and to be with her.
I was not able to let her sit by herself. I just couldn't. Because I know what being alone is like. Not for mom. No way.
I need to print all my photo's of mom. I have to find a way to do this.
No one gets what it is I am going through. I am sure some of you might. But no one that I know.
It is to hard for me to deal with. I am having difficulties with this. And it is starting to get worse each day.
It has only been a few weeks, but not having someone to talk to has made things much more difficult for me.
I am in sorrow, I am in pain. I hurt
GOD bless and good night
Please help out by donating to https://www.gofundme.com/ka556kdf
Kris Schmuland
Please share with your friends and loved one's.
