Hello again
I didn't write last night, as it was not a good day for me, and today was no better. OK a little better. It just hit me and crashed me out. I was truly grieving for my loss last night and today.
I could not stop crying. I was in serious pain. I hurt all over, I couldn't sleep. I just lied there, just staring at the ceiling. Hoping for sleep. But no, that did not happen until 4:30 am. Up I was at 8 and needed to get busy. But all I did was just cry for most of this morning. Of course I did what I needed to do. Minus phone calls. Who can talk when they are just a blithering soul.
All sorts of memories came rushing back. I was reliving mom's final moments over and over again. Could I of done more, could I have done this or done that. Did I make mom comfortable enough for her new journey.
I am guilty because I didn't. I am torn because I could of done more for her, made her more comfortable. Instead of being on her back, I could of rolled her on her side facing me. These are the things I am really feeling bad about. I didn't do this for her.
It was quick, Mom let go, I know I released her. And this is the part that still hurts when thinking about it. Not even half an hour after I told her that I wanted her to stay, but it was selfish of me to say this, and if it is your time, mom, then let go, I can't even think about that without crying. I will never forget that moment.
I am guilty because I could of done more for her.
I am in pain, I hurt and there is no one for me to talk to about this. No one. I am alone and very lonely. I don't know what I am suppose to do...
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even go out without the fear of breaking down when someone says the littlest thing that reminds me of mom.
It has not been a good couple of days, but this is to be expected.When one is mourning the loss of someone so close.
So no news so far on the fate of mom's ashes. Still just sitting in probate. Well on the self in the funeral home.
Saw a lawyer this week to start the process of the will. Going to take a while for this to happen, So mom continues to sit.
Unless you can donate to my legal fund to get mom's ashes.
https://gofundme.com/ka556fdk
Oh yea I came back this evening and the landlord was here and turned the heat down and put covers over the thermostats. It was very cold in here, so I took one of the covers off and turned the heat up. This is the kind of bullshit I don't need right now. He just doesn't get it, IT IS STILL WINTER.
I need to move and right away. I just can't be here anymore.To many painful memories. I need a new start somewhere else.
I found a place, it is shared with someone I know, but away from this crap. There is mold all through out the bathroom ceiling and in the hallway just outside the bathroom. I am breathing in this crap. I will go to my doctor and get tested for mold spores, to see if there are any in my lungs.
I need to go and try to eat something. I really am not hungry.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
