Hello again
Over three weeks now since mom passed away and I am still getting up and getting on the bus, to go to White Rock. Then I realize half way there, I am going nowhere and fast.
It is just still to fresh for me. I see things in the store and think, mom would like that or mom would look good in that. And think, Oh yes is gone. Then I shed a tear of five.
It is still very difficult for me I lost my existence, my purpose in life. To take care of someone. To be there for someone. This is what I lived for. Over a decade. All I ever thought of was mom's needs and I enjoyed doing it all. I never had a regret. As I continue to say, I would do it all over again. Despite what everyone else told me.
Yes I lost all my friends because of it. But really were they true friends to begin with. If thy couldn't understand that my mother sacrificed for me and was always there for me. That is payback, my turn to do everything I could ever of done for her.
Yes I am guilty for not doing more for her. Not finding a place in White Rock in time. Not taking her out more often. No matter what time I left Coquitlam. I always seemed to get there, having not enough time to take mom out. I did push her around a bit. But not enough. I feel really guilty about that. Just to get her outside. My biggest mistake I made. Not fighting hard enough for her rights. Not doing more to keep her alive.
Those are the hardest memories I have to live with and they will haunt me forever. I did not do enough for my mother while she was alive. I didn't do enough, I didn't do enough. I keep repeating in my head.
Even though others say, you were there everyday, doing everything for her. But it wasn't enough. I still want to do more for her. I want to have her ashes so I can talk to her. To know she is with the one who did the work. And it wasn't work to me, It didn't bother me. I never complained about taking the bus.
Yes there were a few days that I didn't get enough sleep and just wanted to go later. But I knew mom was waiting for me, and I couldn't let her down. No mater if I was in pain, to tired or whatever. Mom was stuck in that place with no one to talk to, to sit with,. I knew mom always new that she was getting a home cooked meal each and every night. I just loved doing this for her.
I don't cook like that now, I have no one to cook for. But myself. and I am not in the mood to cook or even eat. Good thing, as I have nothing. And again, I am just not hungry. I know I have lost several pounds since mom passed away. To bad.
Grieving this loss is to hard to bare most of the time. My days are filled with ups and downs. I cry, I don't cry. I am angry, I knew they were going to be like this.
Is it my fault that they, my sisters, didn't spend anytime with mom. Or any of them,even going to visit her. NO I am not the one who is shouting, I should of, I could of.
I did and still want to do. But it is to late now. Mom passed away, Peacefully. Holding my hand. I will never forget that moment. I am guilty that I was on my laptop, But not when she passed away, I was holding her hand looking at her.
There are many things I would do over if I had the chance. The last 1/2 hour of her life is what I would want to do again. I knew mom was going to pass away that night, but not that soon. As I have stated, within half and hour after I told her that it was OK That I wanted her to live, but that is selfish of me to want that, if it is your time mom, then let go, be free. And as I mentioned, within half an hour after telling her that, she passed away.
The hardest thing though is watching mom take her last three breaths. That was and is the hardest thing I will ever go through. No one seems to get it. I did this and was there for her last 24 hours and this is what I was there for. To make sure mom did not pass away, alone. She didn't.
So why is it so hard for the sisters to understand why I want mom's ashes. It was me who did everything for our mother all those years.No one else was around, Not a soul,
I regret not doing more for her. Even though all who know me, know I did everything I could for my mother.
Even bus driver friends know what I did, They were driving me home each and every night. Some know what has happened, that mom passed away on January 31, at 9:08 pm 2016. and they know what is going on with my sisters
I could go on and one tonight, but I have to end this now. I really have to eat. It has been three days since I last ate and I am feeling weak.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher W. A. Schmuland
