Hello again
I woke up at 3 am last night, For no reason, I couldn't fall back to sleep for over an hour. I was waiting to see if mom had come to visit me. Didn't happen.
I know it will happen and I will be glad when it does. I miss her terribly. That was one thing in my life I knew I was doing that was good and right. No matter what anyone said to me.
I will never forget. I was thinking about her last moments. How it was. I cry just thinking about it. I feel guilty that I couldn't save her. That I couldn't do something, anything. Just to keep her alive.
I think about the last few months of her life and wonder if there was anything more I could of done for her.
I will never be able to come to terms with this. Never! It hurts so much. Even more now, than it was at the time of her passing and it really hurt then.
I am becoming even more depressed with each passing day. I want to grieve, but can't. I have to deal with getting mom's ashes out of storage.
I want to do more, but I can't. I wish I had a time machine to go back to just before mom became ill.
I really don't know what to say. I am writing poetry, my grief poetry. Posting it on Facebook.
The biggest challenge is not having someone to speak with. To listen and not try to fix me or tell me to do this or that.
I spent 10 years or more taking care of mom and everyone thinks I can get over it just like that. Sure for those who lack compassion. For those who don't have a heart. Who just can't understand what it is that I did and why.
I have said and will continue to say, 95% of the population could not, or would not do what I did for my mother. Give up their life to take care of the one who brought you into the world.
I will never regret what I did, nor do I want to. Even the bereavement counselor can't believe my dedication.
What was there to decide. Mom brought me into the world, sacrificed much to make sure all three of us siblings had a good life. And this is what they did for their mother.
Absolutely nothing.
I am very tired and still have allot to do. I have many places to be tomorrow.
So I say good night
GOD bless
Kris Schmuland
Please help me out by donating to get mom's ashes out of storage
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
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