Hello again
Pain what is it. I know what physical pain is. I live with it 24 hrs a day, it keeps me up at night. Yet the pain I am experiencing now is allot deeper. I hurts so deep. Unless you have gone through it, you probably can't imagine what it is I am going through. Or someone who didn't and could do what I did for 10 years.
I am distracted because of my sisters and what they have done to mom. Now she sits and will continue to sit. Unless I do something about it. Which I am planning on doing. Be prepared girls.
I know I was there for everything mom went through. From loosing her speech, to not being able to walk, I was there for her both times when she broke her hips. In the hospital, by her side.
I saw mom decline. I cried many nights, after I left the home in White Rock. It hurt watching mom slowly disappear. But she never did. I know mom was right there, fully aware, right up to the time of her last breaths. I saw this and it is extremely painful to describe to you.
Holding her hand gave me great solace. I will never forget this.
I feel like I am falling apart inside and out. Slowly dying myself. It rips my heart apart. Everything I did was for mom. Everything.
I still can't rap myself around the fact that mom has passed away. I keep wanting to call the home and say tell mom I am sorry for missing so many days. I will be there tomorrow. I want to hold her one last time. I need to hold her again. To just hold her hand and cry with her.
This is the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I just want to yell at the top of my lungs for mom to come back. To be here for me. To tell me everything is going to be OK.
I want to see her again. To sing to her, I miss that so much. Just to watch her smile when I sang to her. We had a good night song and I can't sing it to her any more. I miss that so much.
I am hurting so much. No one seems to get it. Or they just don't care. As in the case of my family.
I am all alone now, in this world. My whole world was to take care of mom. And I miss just sitting with her.
I did everything I could for her. But it was not enough. I couldn't stop the one care coordinator from giving her the fatal shot of morphine. After I told her that it would kill her and it did.
I have no one, And it is now, I really do realize this. My phone has not rang once with someone telling me they are sorry, let's go and talk Nothing.
Can anyone really exist like this. Can anyone really carry on, without the support of others. I don't think so. It is very difficult for me to even pray at night. I don't know who to pray for anymore. I always prayed to GOD to heal mom and to take care of her.
I go to the bereavement counselor today and she tells me I am not ready to sit with her and talk about this. To tell her about who mom was.
I lost my best friend. Mom was my friend and only friend. I don't see anyone lining up to comfort me.
This is something that is to hard to go through alone. I can't do it for much longer. The counselor tells me to do this and to do that. How do I do this or that. I have nothing. It is raining out and all day my feet were soaking wet.
I am cold and lonely. I am afraid. I sit here, at night, after writing and I do nothing. I really don't even want to watch anything. I do as I think it might take my mind off of things. It doesn't
I ride the bus at night, because I don't know what to do. I have no where to go and no one to do anything with. Even if I had somewhere to go. I can't even afford to just go into Vancouver and sit and have a tea. So I ride the bus, getting back at the same time I use too.
My whole body hurts, I cry and then I don't cry for a day and I think something is wrong with me. Why aren't I crying, you just lost your mom. And today, back to crying. It is difficult to even write this tonight as I am having to stop and finish crying before I carry on. Or just keep crying while I am typing.
I lie in bed and just look at the ceiling hoping mom would come and visit me. I am not afraid of that, I am afraid of continuing to be alone through this. I couldn't even get any help from the counselor. I walked out of there even more upset. It was raining, so the rain covered my tears.
I need your help to get mom's ashes. As you know they are just going to sit in storage unless I do something about it.
So I am desperate, not just for you to help out. But desperate for someone to be here for me. I went to church on Sunday and even that didn;'t help.The pastor knows what I am going through, but again, no one to talk to.
So please help out. anything would help. Share and tweet. Again I am desperate. Without anything it is will be hard to even carry on.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
