Hello again
So tonight was an extremely emotional visit with mom.. To the point where mom took her good arm and reached it around me for a hug.
I was crying like a baby, maybe worse than a baby. I just saw mom, not being able to chew and swallow like she use to. Here is an example. Last year mom could eat steak, this year, not so much. When I brought steak to her, not long ago, mom just chewed and chewed a small piece of steak, for 10 minutes. I tried to get her to spit it out. Mom had trouble swallowing it. Or just chewing it to swallow it. I DON'T KNOW.
I brought mom some Tempura and she had a bite of the yam. The same thing, chewed and chewed.
But what got me onto my crying fit, was a feeling, that mom might not be around this time next year.
This is another sign of her disease. Just like her not being able to use a spoon, knife or fork. It starts here. First she has a hard time chewing than she can't chew at all. Then..................
What I am saying is reality. This is her life. This is my life that I write about. Telling you all how it is when it is. Not holding back.
The reality of this disease is devastating, My heart breaks all the time. I am emotional as I type this.
Off topic
I find if I hold the key board very close to me, I am able to use both hands to type. Uncomfortable I do say, but it works.
Back to mom.
When mom cannot eat the salad she likes, anymore. I know it is getting very bad. And I don't know if I can take it. I will certainly do my best. But I can see myself being an extremely emotional basket case. Almost like tonight.
I told mom, tonight, that this is my life, I am here for you and always will be, no matter what. That looking after you and taking care of you is the best thing I have every done in my life. Nothing compares to this, nothing I have every done in my life is this important to me nor has any value like taking care of you.
I would never trade this for anything. I am not going anywhere, in fact mom this is why it is so important that I move here. To be closer, to be here more often. To be here morning, noon and night, if I have too.
I don't want to be far from you mom, I need you to know this. That it is very important to me to read to you, sing to you or just sit and hold your hand, quietly.
My belief today has changed, I don't think I believe in GOD anymore. And I have said this day, that if there is a GOD, He would have to show me. I can't keep believing and listening to people tell me "I am going to be blessed by what I do for your mother" I am done with this crap.
Instead of telling me that I am going to be blessed, do something about it. Help me out. I am tired of lip service. I want action.
Just like the action I take by caring for mom, by fighting for her rights. By doing everything for her and more.
THAT IS WHAT ACTION LOOKS LIKE! BY DOING, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT.
Or giving me this phony lip service to try to appease me to make me feel good about myself. I have never needed anyone in the past to make me feel good about myself. Who the hell thinks I need someone now. So far no one has stepped up to the plate and done anything. I mean anything.
I have been doing this, by myself, for almost a decade. First Dad and now mom. It is over 7 years now, since Dad passed away, and mom was developing the symptoms of Dementia several years before that. I was and am their.
I may write and talk tough, and brave. But yes I would like someone to help me out. It would be nice for a change.
It would make me feel that there are actually decent people in this society. That I am wrong about my feelings of what people are like.
PROVE ME WRONG! that is all I have to say.
Kris Schmuland
