Hello again
Who am I.............. I am not sure anymore. For over a dozen years I was the son who took care of his mother, no matter what anyone said about me, I did what was right in the eyes of GOD. Sure I lost all my friends for taking care of mom. Didn't think it was a worth while way to spend my life. I just said I guess they were not really my friends. Because, as I have mentioned over and over again, it was the only good thing I did in my life, it was the absolutely the best thing I did with my life. And I would do it all over again in a heart beat.
My mother was my life and I knew she appreciated everything I did for her. Every moment I spent with her. I know mom never thought I was wasting my time taking care of her. As I have brought this up before, no one else in the family, even bothered to see if mom was alright, or to see if she just needed someone to be there, to just sit with her and talk to her. Forgetting mom was ill and treating her as a whole person. A person that she was, a whole human being. Alive inside, It didn't matter that mom could not speak anymore, she still communicated just fine with me. If anyone took the time to even bother getting to know her, would of realized that mom was a whole person still, on the inside. But know one even bothered. They just ignored her, as her daughters did. Coming once a month or two, was not paying any respect to their mother.
But I knew that it didn't matter what other's thought about me, that I was doing what was right. And taking care of my mother. Being there for her. The joy mom brought me was the utmost gift. And the joy I brought her was amazing. The beautiful smile on her face each day as I came into see her. Holding my hand and not letting go, was not only special for her, but myself as well. That feeling can never be repeated. I need to hold onto that, forever. I can't let go of this feeling. And just singing our good night song to her each night was the most beautiful thing ever. ( I have almost remembered the whole song. and will write it down for all to see)
Now who am I. ............
I am not sure. I am trying to be someone good. I am not a bad person. I know this. I am lost at the moment. I have moved out of a bad situation and into some place good. But the roommate decided her didn't want to live here. He just didn't want to always come down all the time, OK, I decided to get a job before I moved in here. For the extra income I needed. Lost that. Now for the rest of this month I have just been applying for work. Been on a few interviews, and even a few trail shifts. But that still didn't get me a job.
Now this coming Monday, I have another job interview. This one I applied for Friday at 4 pm and within a half hour of sending my resume off, I received a phone call. We had a good conversation on the phone, he liked what he saw on my resume. So Monday I have the interview. If it wasn't Friday, This is when the job was posted, I would of been in for an interview already.
Then this morning I receive two more emails for job interviews. One I would not be able to do. Banquet catering. I would not be able to do the serving as needed of me. The other I could do, a retail job, part time though. I need full time.
Now the job interview on Monday is for a driving and delivery job. Good starting wage, with an increase in a month. This I know I can do. Not on my feet all the time, using a pallet jack or a dolly.
Now here is the big thing. I can't afford to even take the job. Yes I can take the job. I can't get there each day, I need work boots, but can't afford them. I can't eat everyday, but I don't care about that anyways. There are certain things I need for this job, but no money to get what is needed. None at all. I can't even pay the full rent. ( I really thought I would have a job by now) But if I can get this happening, I am sure I can tell my landlord that I just started a job and will catch up by my first paycheque. I would make enough to cover the rest of the rent plus have some leftover.
Yet no. You see I don't have what other's might have. Someone they could go to for help, until they get paid and pay them back slowly over a few cheques. It could be I destroyed all the bridges I might of had. Or the relationships that I might of had to assist me. I don't have anyone to even call for help. Burnt my bridges, that is the expression I was getting at. Wasn't the ideal person to everyone's liking. My so called family anyways. And I guess other's as well
I can get to the interview Monday, still have funds left on my bus pass/Monthly pass. If he wants me to start the following week/Next Monday for example. I don't have the funds to put more time on my buss/Compass card they call it, to get me the three zones I need. It is actually two zones, but the way for me to get to this place, I have to go passed it and come back, there by crossing into a third zone. No direct bus. A good starting wage and it is something I can do. ... Even the other job, I would need dress clothing to do that one, I have some dress clothing, but not enough. Still need a bus pass.
I really don't know what to do here. Everyone is telling me to trust GOD. I have trusted GOD that I would get a job, now I need to trust that the funds I need will come in. Don't count your chickens before they hatch, that is the expression. I will have to see what Monday brings. I did, today, take the bus and get a copy of my drivers abstract,for the company on Monday. Delivering for a wholesale produce company. I can drive the truck and know my way around the Lower Mainland very well. OK it has been awhile since I have driven a 5 ton truck. Getting use to it again. I just have to drive slowly at first.
Now it is hard for me to even get by these days. Not speaking of funds, I have lived poorly before, but not having the counselors to speak with. I was making great progress with them. Helping out allot. This took everything out of me. My mother's passing. No one really gets it. But that will have to be OK. No other choice.
I have nothing of value left to sell.
Right now is when I need a voice besides my own, to speak with.
I will say goodbye now. I am done. Trying to do laundry.
This I ask of y'all, that you please Pray that GOD answers my prayers for help so I can take this job and get to and from this job until I get paid, and get the work boots I need, plus the extra.. Please.
GOD bless you and to all, you have a great night.
Kristopher Schmuland
