Hello again
Tonight I was almost run over by a bus. It was very close. Within a foot of me being run over. I was at a crosswalk and the signal came for all to cross the street. I started to walk and the bus at the corner just started to go, to turn the corner and he didn't even slow down. Just turned the corner. And it was legal for me to cross the street. Proper signal and all. If I wasn't paying attention, I would of been hit. I had to jump back twice to avoid being run over. It was that close... Even after the bus went through the intersection, the other people crossing from the other side, said to me, he didn't even slow down, Well first they asked if I was OK. It was that close. All I know is that before I jumped back the first time. The side of the bus was in my face. That close. Thank GOD I was paying attention.. Because I was, moments earlier, thinking about how bad it is right now for me and that I had no one to even speak with about what is happening.
It was then that I started to pay attention to my surroundings. I don`t know why I stopped thinking about everything and look up. Just seconds, if even that and the bus was there in front of me. WoW is all I can say. It was as if someone, slapped me in the face to look up. Otherwise I would of just kept walking. I was in the right away to cross the street.
Now for the normal.
I don`t know why I am both happy and depressed, at the same time. How is that possible. I am happy that I was out and not just sitting at home. But depressed because, I don`t deserve what I have. I have a living room full of things, but I am still sitting in my bedroom, watching TV in there, eating in there. And sitting on the side of my bed writing this Blog now. I could be sitting on the couch doing this. But no.
It is a major problem for me
I am not even finished unpacking yet. The table is full. A nice table I got for free. Big, 6 big chairs, in good shape. I found it on Craigslist, when I had no table, than I have two tables. The other one I will bring to a second hand store, when I get the chance. It would only take two days to get everything else set up.
But I don`t deserve any of it. And besides, I don`t have the rent to pay. I only have half of the rent and not even all the funds to pay my phone bill, insurance bill and my bus pass. I don`t care if I drive the car or not. I am fine taking the bus. This is what I did today, after looking for work,sending off more resumes. I came back here and left on the bus to downtown Vancouver. I didn`t want to be here. It is depressing me to much.
Well I finally got out of the terrible situation I got myself into, with the other people I use to live with. I thought, OK this friend wants to share the place, he works out of town and will only be in town a little each month. Great. Then he changes his mind. But the biggest thing that bothers me the most, is, Before I even moved into this place I thought, get a job, get some extra income I had the job before I even moved into this place and right away lost it. And all I have been doing since then, the same day I lost the job, is look for work.
I am not looking for a position that is going to pay me big bucks. I just want a job,anything that I can do. I have applied at the superstore, WallMart and IKEA, plus gas stations, to be an attendant,driving jobs, catering jobs and on and on it goes. Just to work. As you know, I need to work to pay the bills, but I can`t seem to find anything. It is not like I am sitting doing nothing. I am applying for work everyday. In todays society, you have to do everything online.To apply for WallMart, IKEA and the Superstore, it is done online only.
I went for a trial work shift last night. I left without my cane. As they didn`t know I use a cane to walk. I did the job, very easy, but, by the time I got back to White Rock, my leg was all swelled up and I could barely walk. This morning it was worse. I had to go to my Doctor and that was the first thing he saw, was me not being able to walk as I usually do. I explained it to him. He checked out my leg and told me to go home and get my leg up. But we know what I did instead. Got on the bus and went into town. To be almost run over by another bus. The doctor did tell me that I can `t do that job, not to accept it if it is offered to me, because if you do,within a few months you won`t be walking anymore.
If it is offered to me, I don`t have a choice in the matter. I need the paycheque. I need to pay my rent. I don`t have anywhere to move too. Nor do I have the funds to move. It took everything I had to move here. I had to pay for the move myself.
Not going well. Yet I am feeling OK. Except that I really do understand why none of my family want anything to do with me. I am really nothing. I am but a little nobody who is not even worth there time. The only thing worth while I have done in my life is to take care of my mother. And it doesn`t matter what anyone says to me, it was the best gift that I could of ever received to be able to do this for my mother. Nothing will ever take that away from me. I will never be more proud to be a son who did what was expected of him. To honour his mother and father To the end. This is the greatest thing I ever did with my life. I know my mother loved every minute of me being by her side, holding her hand while she fell asleep each and every night. Singing to her our good night song. I can`t even remember the song, I remember some of it.... Not all of it. This song was dear to both mom and I. Àll I am going to do now is try to remember all of the song and write it down, so I can sing it at her memorial service when it is done. That was my plan all along, to sing this song to her again. I will remember it.
Now I am back to being the looser I was before mom and dad become ill. For crying out loud, I can`t even find a simple job. Something to pay the bills.
Well there you go family I am what you say I am. Are you happy now. Now that I don`t want to be here anymore.
I am praying and praying. I ask for mercy on me, even though I don`t deserve it.
GOD bless all of you and good night to you as well.
Kristopher Schmuland.
