Hello again
Well I had to say no to the one job. Just could not do it.. And I have no way of getting the gas money to drive there and back until I get paid. As it is I am short on my rent, because of the ex roommate not staying.
I do have another job offer. This one I might be able to get too. Well I will have no choice but to take this position. I can take a bus to this one. As I don't need to be there at 5:30 am, which would require me to drive. I need to pay the rest of my rent. I hope the landlord understands. Remember I had a job. And if I would still be working, there would be no problems right now. But, that is not the way it went. I spent all month sending off resumes. And it wasn't until the end of the month that I was able to get the interviews that I went too.
Now I begin again. Trying to make it. My cousin tells me to get a job, the next day after mom passes. I just couldn't do it at that time. But now I am ready, but I can't get to the jobs. No help from anywhere. Believe me I have spent allot of time on the phone and in person, trying to find some sort of help to get to and from work, until I would be paid. There is suppose to be the help out there. Couldn't find it. So I am stuck trying to figure out how to do this. It is not far to this one job, but it is to far to walk. Where I live there is not much going on. Not to much for business's.
I am on my knee's praying and praying. I am asking and seeking GOD's advice and help. Nothing so far. OK I am alive, but I don't want to be.
I will tell you this, I don't want to be around anymore, but I will not take my own life. My mother would be ashamed of me and I would not get to see her again, if I took my own life. I would be condemned to Hell for doing so.. Not going to happen then. So I try and am failing so far. I don't stop sending resumes off. Half a dozen on Friday. Even though I have a job. The job won't start for a week, With two days of training this coming week.
What I need is a miracle.
GOD has given me many gifts. I just don't know what to do with them. I am artistic, creative, I have a high IQ. I am business minded, I understand the law and can read and write legal jargon. I know what to do to be able to be a Seniors Advocate. I have done this. Yet I don't know what to do with my life. I wouldn't mind being a pastor, seniors advocate. Helping others seems to be something I am good at. I know I have mad skills. What to do with them.
I am going to try and speak with a pastor and maybe he/she can help me figure out what GOD wants me to do with the skills and abilities HE gave me. I don't know, otherwise I would be doing it. Any ideas?
I am just a lost and broken man.
People tell me to contact this women I know back east. Someone I was in love with. But what do I have to offer her. She has probable worked for the same company for years. I have not seen her in 14 years. I have nothing. I know we loved each other at one time. I even asked her to marry me and she said yes. Over the phone though. So what do I do, call her up and say, what. Hello, it is Kris and I have nothing, but I want you to come back and marry me if you are not already married with children. So give up your job and come back to me with nothing. Maybe not even a place to live.... I don't have a home, nor anything else of value. OK it is not having everything that matters. It is love that matters. But I need something to make her come back.
Why even write about her. I know, she is the only women I have ever loved. Yes I loved my mother, different love. I thought I loved my first wife, I learned that was not love. I actually loved this women. And still think about her. After she left to go back east to be with her twin sister, I started to look after my parents. So I have never tried to find someone else. I tried dating while taking care of mom but they just didn't get it. Mom was first above everyone else. So actually,even if she did stay, it probably would not of worked out. As I still would of stopped everything to take care of mom. I know this. So this was the way it was to be. I believe in that. There is a plan for each of us that we don't know about and unfolds through out our lives.
Then why am I complaining, if there is a plan for my life. We still have to do something about it, I think. And we have to have an idea of what that is, the plan for our life. Mine anyways. I just have no idea what that plan is or even how to get there. Or what to do now to even get help.
As you can read I am a very confused individual. Not making much sense. Or I am making sense to someone. If I am, please let me know.
I just don't want to waste what I was given and say in the end, I missed my opportunity. Maybe I already missed the opportunity. I don't think I did. I know I was to take care of mom, part of the plan for my life.
NOW WHAT!
Please if you pray for me, continue. I ask for your help.
May GOD bless you and your life.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
