Hello again
Today started out to be early. The job interview. It went very well. I was offered the job on the spot. I start next Monday morning. 5:30 am. Two week training then on my own.
So in most peoples lives this would be a great thing. In mine it is as well. Up until the interview was over and I was on my way back home.
This is when my life started to come apart. To unravel as some or most would say. I started to think about how I was going to get there, How I would pay the rest of my rent. Then it got really bad for me and it has crashed completely since this afternoon.
I am not even real. I am a fake. A fraud. A nobody The reality is this is what I am. I can honestly say I don't know how to live life, to get by to even do anything. Make friends, keep a place or even be a real person. I am not...;.
I don't have the funds to do this job. I have no other job. I don't have enough rent. OK the roommate decided to not live here anymore. But I should of been prepared for all outcomes. I am not. Is this just a dream that I am going to wake up and realize that I am actually dead or just dreaming everything. I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea how to actually live a normal life. A life that everyone else lives.
I have no idea how to do any of these things. I am now not even wanting to be here anymore. I can't live, I don't know how. I am confused. What does it mean to be alive and to really live. I don't know.
I am just floundering here.I am so sick I am getting sick.
When I looked after mom everything was simple. I lived poorly, I went each day and took care of mom. That was my life. Nothing complicated about it. I live poorly. Not a real life as everyone else tells me. Just fake. No I say. I did a good thing. I did the right thing and I know this. But I am not prepared for any of what followed.
I have no one to even teach me. I guess I should of learned how to do this along time ago. It is to late now. Now that my life is over and falling apart.
I just got back in from walking in the rain and crying. Begging GOD to take me. Asking for some kind of help. I am crying now, It is over for me.
What do I do. I have a job. No way to buy work boots or even pay for transportation to and from this job until I get paid. I am not normal, not in anyway what so ever. Just not. How can a normal person even get themselves into this kind of mess.
I am now way prepared for life. I can't function correctly.
So I now realized everyone was right about me. I did one good thing in my life and the rest I have messed up. I have not even learned enough to get by without a hand out from welfare.
If I can't get what is needed to go to and from this job by Friday. I am just done. Life will be over for me. Just like that. I think I better go and speak to someone tomorrow before I do something drastic.If I can't make it to this job I have know where to put my belongings. As I won't have a place to live.
Please, please pray that I learn how to live a real life, not this what I am doing. Expecting everything to be handed to me. I do and I don't. I know I need to work. But I guess I got to it to late. It seems that way to me. I have honestly looked for work everyday during the week, all month long. Since I lost the last job.
I am done and need guidance. Someone please reach out to me.
I can't deal with anything right now. I am going back out to walk in the rain.
What I would like if possible is some forgiveness. If I deserve it..................
GOD bless and good night
Kris
