Hello again
I did not even realize it has been several days since I last wrote on this Blog. I was moving from Coquitlam to White Rock. I had to pack and I have more things than I originally thought. I am sharing a place with some people I know, who I met while coming out to White Rock. Just a bedroom for now. I am going to be applying to the one subsidized housing that I want to get into. 1/3 of my income But my own place. You need to be 55 plus and well I am almost there.
Now I have a room full of boxes and bags to go through. Not fun. My room is crammed full of things. So tomorrow I will be going through boxes and then taking things down to the storage locker.
I don't need allot of things at the moment. As the roommates have all the kitchen things one needs. And all of my decorations need to go down to the storage locker.
So being busy has kept my mind off of my grief. To a point. I did have bus trips and it brought out memories, but also caused me to tear up. I am so use to tearing up, on the bus. It doesn't bother me anymore, that I might cry. I just don't care. If someone has a problem with it or is curious, I will tell them.
Not everybody knows yet. That is the hardest part. Telling other's when they ask about my mother. I wish I could just make a blanket statement.
But now I am here I am very upset that my mother just sits in the funeral home. OK, her ashes. My mother's spirit is with me all the time. I know this. I can feel this. Yet I just want to hold her again, to hold her hand again. One more time.
I do very much miss mom. I cry out to her. I sing to her. I am constantly thinking about her. And still in shock.
The worse part of this. Is people just tell me to get over it.. OK one person in particular. Get a job, do this, do that. I try to explain to them, that I have some disabilities and I am still in shock, and the mourning part of this has not even begun.
My mother's ashes are still being held up. There is no closer. I have not even given my mother the proper service she deserves.
This is all thanks to my sisters. Who by the way, don't even call or care. OK they never called so why I am even thinking they would now. We are only family by blood. Nothing else. As I have mentioned time and time again.
The process of the will has started, But big deal. It doesn't matter. The bottom line is, even if we agree on the division of everything. It still comes down to mom's ashes and who gets them.
Once again. I did the work, and still would be doing the work. My mother even wants me to have her ashes. Until I can raise the funds to have my mother's and father's ashes interned at Ocean View cemetery. Where my grandparents are buried. That is allot of money though. But I count on GOD to help me do this.
I am a wreck because of my sisters. I just want mom to be with someone who actually cared about her. Not someone who stated that they lost there mother a long time ago. Then who was it that I was caring for all those years. Who was it that I was singing to and having conversations with and still asking for her advice. MY MOTHER
Now that I am in White Rock. Maybe I can get some help with this. Grieving that is. Helping me come to terms with it. A support group.
I do still and always will hurt deep down. I feel that I just can't go on. I know I am lost and do not have a clue what to do with my time.
Even living out here now. The first day, around the time I usually leave, I left and got on the bus to go back to Coquitlam. And the next night, and so on. I don't get far before I am turning around again. Or I just waste some time, doing nothing.
I was thinking today, it has been over 15 years since I have been anywhere. Not even a camping trip. I would not go camping now. With all of my injuries. But just to go away somewhere for a week would be nice.
I think, if GOD helps me out here, getting mom's ashes out of the funeral home, I just might do just that. Go somewhere, and just sit.
It is time to start to get things done and the very first thing this Monday is to go down to the Supreme Court and start to get the rest of the forms filled out.
I need to go now. I have to eat. I am not eating much since mom passed. Just not hungry. But I am going to try to eat.
So thank you and sorry I have not written in several days. I will be back at a nightly Blog now.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
