Hello again
Let us get down to brass tax.
It has been almost two decades since I had a girl friend. Yes almost 20 years and that includes everything that comes with having a girl friend. And maybe marriage and kids.
The first ten years, my 30's. I was a alcoholic and graduated to full blown alcoholic by the time I was in my late 30's. And the last 10 years or so I was recovering and taking care of my parents and now my mother.
There was a girl, excuse me women, in my life. We were friends and were developing feeling for each other. Due to the fact I was a drunk. Anyways, she moved back east to be with her sister, who moved their 6 or 8 months earlier. It was after this I quite drinking and smoking pot.
Yes I was a pot head as well. But nothing in a very long time now. There was something between myself and my friend. And it was not until after she left that I found out she loved me as well. It is OK, I have not spoken to her in over 5 years now. So that is that. I think about her all the time. Wondering if she is married, with kids. How she is doing.
This happens when one is lonely and hasn't been with anyone in a very long time. Reliving a lost love. Yes it is embarrassing, but that is what this is about. To speak the truth, whatever that may be. I could make all sorts of excuses, but the truth is I have not been well. Emotionally and physically. Excuses, excuses once again.
I am an unattractive person. I am in OK shape, getting better. But as I said in my last blog. I gained allot of weight while depressed and on anti depression medication. I have lost over 70 in the last few years. I did well with the ladies. I am extremely intelligent. A very nice person and I have a kind heart.
I have no idea how it ended up this way. It just is and it is a lonely place to be. It is not often I have conversations through out my days. I only seem to speak with mom and once in a while someone will talk to me in my travels. But we are not sitting down and having a real conversation. Which is what I do miss. Sitting down over coffee and just letting our conversations go where they may.
Mom doesn't speak, but we do communicate very well. I do understand 80 % of what she is trying to communicate. And it is also difficult as mom wants my complete attention while I am their visiting her. She will get angry when I speak with anyone.
I don't blame her. No one speaks to her through out the day. I am OK with this. I made the decision to look after my parents and it is the right decision. I serve GOD by serving my mother.
I use to have friends, but not anymore. Mom, it seems, is my only friend. I speak with her and she does understand me. I know, mom knows I am lonely. But I will never show her that. When I am visiting mom and helping her out, my full attention is focused on mom. Again I leave all the nonsense at the door. In my imaginary bucket.
Mom today was very hungry, but also a little upset. She was in a hurry to eat so she could get to bed. Hungry and tired. And needing to be changed. Maybe it was because I didn't bring anything home cooked today. Or maybe not. She has her 7 layer dip left and needs to be eaten. But mom ate a papaya and a half tonight, plus cherries, a avocado and some cheese. She did eat well. Oh yea the fish that was served with her dinner from the home, its self.
It is so nice, though, that when mom grabs my hand and holds it, she can fall asleep right away, with ease. Mom trusts me that much.
I got her into bed, brushed her teeth and washed her up. Then they came to change her. Afterwards I held her hand while she fell asleep. It is a beautiful thing. Of course I always sing her the good night song. She sings along with me.
I will put this out there. When I need something. Shampoo, tooth paste etc.. I will purchase it and then bring the new one to mom's and then take the old one for me. We use the same shampoo, gel and tooth paste. So this is the way it is and has been. Mom gets the new one and I take the older one's to use.
OK it is now 1 am and time to go and watch a bit of what I have downloaded and eat a bit.
It will be 3 am when I get to sleep.
I hope this gives you a little better understanding of me and my life.
I love it, but I am depressed.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
