Hello again
Tonight when I arrived mom was in a great mood, she just finished watching a movie. And was very glad to see me.
But she barely ate any dinner again. No even the papaya, that she loves. Not even one gold kiwi. Or even one of her lindt chocolates.
She did eat something though.
When I brought her to her room to give her the nightly spa treatment. She was pointing at the picture of dad. And whether she said it out loud or I just heard it. It was she wanted to go and be with dad. That she has had enough.
She said she doesn't have a life anymore. She is not able to move herself around or even be taken to the washroom like a human being with dignity.
I told her not to give up that I am moving out here, so I can come all the time and we can do things. Bring her over for lunch or dinner. Or even stay overnight. I have no problem with any of this.
I hugged her and told her I loved her. I started crying again. It is sad to hear this. But I did say to her that dad would tell her not to give up. I said dad will be waiting for you. There is no rush. We have allot to do yet.
She calmed down a little bit.
I have started to pack and will be completely packed by the end of the week.
I don't care if I sleep on the floor, sit on the floor. If I eat off of plates, or not. Or even eat, period. This is something I have done allot of. Not eat. It is how I lost 80 lbs. By not eating.
I don't care if I have dishes, pot and pans. A couch, chair or whatever. I don't even care if I have a bed, dresser or anything at first. I can put a comforter on the floor and then sleep on that.
I won't be able to have mom over for a while, until I do get things. And I need everything. As mentioned in previous blogs. I am living in a shared accommodation, because I had everything I owned stolen before I moved in here and before that I lost everything in a fire.
So I was left with nothing. A few pieces of clothing. But I was heavier and bought cloths to fit me. And never wore them. Now I am allot smaller and have no clothing to fit me.
Back to mom. I have to be out their. I asked if anyone came to see her. And the look she gave me. It said it all.
Do you think any of my children come to see me. I got the message. I will not be asking anymore.
But mom needs someone around to keep reminding her that she is loved. She needs someone to be fighting to make sure her rights are respected. That she gets excises. To take her outside and to do things with her.
I don't blame her for this. She never goes anywhere She doesn't get to move around by herself.
They even keep her leaned back and the lights are bothering her eye's.
Mom needs me to be their for her. No one else is. Not my sister's, nor my uncle, nor anyone. I really need to do all I can for her.
But right now, I feel like I am a disgusting person. Not able to provide what mom needs, not able to take her anywhere. I have nothing, I am miles and miles away from her. I am not even a worthy son. I don't even consider myself a good person. I am trying to do everything and I know it is not enough.
I need to do a hell of allot more for mom.. I do really need help!
I have to, I mean I really have to move to White Rock. Again, as long as I have an Internet connection I can do everything with that. Write this blog, email. watch TV etc....
I can live without, furniture, pots and pans, dishes, a bed, couch, chair and lamps. OK well maybe not lamps. I have some bedding.
I am extremely upset that I can't get the help I need. I am deeply and emotionally wrecked. All I want to do is just hug mom and cry. I am going to sit with her before I leave, until she falls asleep. I just want to hold her hand to show her that I love her.
I am becoming very emotional now, so I am going to stop this for tonight.
It is time the PGT do whatever is necessary to get me to White Rock. And to release the photo's. as well as provide funds to get a decent printer to restore them. Yes I said that. It was because of my sister that the photo's need to be restored. She stored them in a leaky shed.
The PGT has made multiple promises and it is time they keep their word. And keep the promises they made.
There is no more games, I won't play them anymore. I will fight and fight. And do what is necessary.
I can't even afford to buy mom fruit or her drinks. I will, however, write to Coke and let them know that the only drinks mom likes are their products and if they could help me out. I am having a hard time finding the water mom likes. It was all over the place and not so much now.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
