Hello again
Today I missed my visit with mom. I have been so stressed out and I needed sleep. That to me is an excuse.
Mom cannot leave and depends on my visits. And it was wrong and is wrong of me to miss visits with her. I feel really bad and guilty because of this. Yes last week when mom was not feeling good about her situation, and still is feeling bad about it. I started this really bad sleep pattern. Of not sleeping. And it has caught up with me.
This morning I was still awake at 6am and then 8 am and I thought, OK good. The next thing I know it is 6pm and I am just waking up. There was know way I could of even arrived their before 9 pm and that is just too late.
So here I am sitting in front of the computer, wide awake, and thinking to myself. " I have to stay awake, to many things to do for Friday." Especially when this week was a write off.
I am extremely upset about this whole having job interviews and not having the clothing to go to them. And not being able to get help with any of this.
Considering the PGT has made promises that were not kept. And knowing the best thing for my mother is for me to be in White Rock.
Not having to travel 7 hours. Where these hours could be and can be spent with her and doing things to help her out. And for making extra money to get things for her. As in a bed for her bedroom.
Which is what I need in White Rock, a 2 bedroom place. One room for me and the other for mom when I bring her over for a night or two.
I need to be right there for mom, not 60kms away. That way if anything happens to mom, I can be their right away. Not 2-3 hours away. As it is now, if something happens to mom in the middle of the night. I can't get their until morning. But living their in White Rock I can be their withing 10 minutes or so.
What I need is a miracle. And I need one now.
I was going to write this in an email for the PGT but it is better suited here.
Acts 28, v.26,27
Go to the people and say,
You will be ever hearing but never understanding
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving
For this people's heart has become calloused;
They hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eye's,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.
I read it and thought good verse for the PGT
Now mom is all I have in this life. I don't have anyone else. No body to call friends. I haven't dated in quite some time. I have gone out for coffee, but nothing more than that.
I have written someone online. But to quick, to want to come over to Canada. A Russian women. Now I am and have been writing this women, who states she is a missionary over in Cambodia. It was going well, writing back and forth. But I find it difficult to believe anyone. Especially when there are incongruities in their statements.
Ie: She says she grew up in the UK. I asked her where she went to high School and she went to high school in Canada. I mean, she said she was in the UK until the age of 20. Maybe I miss understood. But I dont' misunderstand broken English. Very broken English. Could be this is the way people write on line, but no.
Than the other day, she writes me that she was appointed to take care of this kid who is about to have cancer surgery. A leg cancer, is the way she wrote it. Then the next email. She said she was going around asking for donations and if I would like to donate. That GOD would bless those who help out.
I have, in previous emails, wrote that my goal is to help our loved one's who are being abused and I have no funds, and I can't even afford the cost of the web hosting.
Also I told her to download Skype and let us communicate over this.
Anyways. mom is the most important person in my life. I need to be their for her and spend what little money I get on her. As mom needs to feel good about herself, which makes her want to be alive. And stay alive.
That is why I will go without, and be happy about it. I love giving mom her daily spa treatment. And she loves it as well. The smile on her face is worth everything I do.
And to see her know who I am each and every time I arrive, is enough for me.
I will say good night now. I don't know what to do, but I need to be up and about before 8 am.
GOD bless and good night
Kris
