Hello again
Today was not a good day. I am feeling very guilty and depressed. That I can't show mom a great Christmas as she deserves. As the PGT are now Scrooge.
Tonight I could not stop hugging mom, I am feeling so bad that I cannot decorate her room well. That at this time, I see no Christmas day. I will be their and be their with the largest smile on my face. But I would love to, when I arrived at the hospital, have with me a large bag of gifts. And dressed up, so mom can see me dressed.
As it is, mom is still giving me heck about wearing the same thing, day after day.
And tonight on the way home, I was watching a movie, on my none working paper weight of a phone. I still can use it for entertainment as long as I have wifi. Well this attractive women. I think is way out of my league, asked what I was watching, I told her, Hugo. And asked if she wanted to watch it with me. She did, I shared my headset. We talked on the way, as well.
They she asked me my name. And my response, has been for awhile now is this. My name does not matter. I am an unemployed therapist, by choice. Who is a caregiver to my mother who has Dementia and lung cancer. I spend 5-6 hours a day traveling and 2-3 hours a day with her. While I am their, I don't just sit their, I am busy until I put her to bed.
And you know the poverty line, well I am so far below that, I could not even afford to buy you a coffee.
This usually sends them running, tonight she just watched the movie until it was time for her to get off the bus. But the movie was only partially done. I told her that I will pause it and not watch it until the next time I see her. She just said don't bother.
Well I was either a complete asshole. But I do it politely. I have nothing, and nobody close to me and no friends. I don't know why these really attractive women are flirting with me. This is new to me. The thinner I get the more they come out of the wood work. It is nice though. Well in the last year or so, I have lost about 70 lbs.
I really can't afford to even buy them a coffee.
Mom tonight, just loved the fact that I could not stop giving her a hug. And mom was reaching out for hugs as well. Mom liked this
Well today was a Christmas Party at the hospital. I was invited, but I thought I would let my sister have this day. If they even bothered to go. Which I don't know. I will have to phone tomorrow. I hope they did, for mom's sake. I will be their Christmas day. From around 11:00 am until,well 7 pm. I do know on Christmas day. They are eating at 12:00 noon. So mom will probably want a nape after dinner. I can have dinner as well, I have to pay. But I don't usually eat at that time of the day. Besides it has never worked out in the past. So I will just help mom eat. Mom thinks both plates are hers and it is hard to eat and help her as well. But really, I don't eat at that time of the day. When I have groceries So while mom is having a nap, I see what's up in White Rock and South Surrey on Christmas day. We will see.
And speaking with this women today, was the first time I have had a conversation with someone in a while. Besides my mother. It was good, and nice. But the problem is I just don't shut up. As it is when I am with mom. I make mom laugh all the time. Well I trip, I make a mess, I do goofy things. And I admit, I am very weird. I like it like this. I am different and it is OK.
From the moment I get their, I am talking and singing and doing strange things to make mom laugh. I tell mom everything. No difference as when mom did not have this disease. I just speak to her normally. Other's don't get it. This is the way all should speak to everyone.
Tonight I eat oats and brown sugar. We will see. At least it is food. Not like the last two weeks.
So I have to go to bed, I have some important things to do today. And if they get done. I will let you know.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
