Hello again
I am so stressed out right now and have been for a few days, I am vibrating, shaking like crazy. If this stress is not solved soon, I feel I will have a heart attack. I am not sleeping, maybe 3 hours at the most every night. On top of this my hip and leg is getting very sore, traveling back and forth. I have never had to travel this far before. Sitting on the bus for those many hours is bothering my hip and leg. It goes numb and then hurts an amazing amount and then my leg starts to shake. I need to stand but can't I get very anxious and want off the bus. But I can't. This causing me even more stress.
One thing I do know is this. I have spent many weeks thinking about what to do. Move to White Rock or not. I have always come back to Coquitlam. Where ever I was, and whatever country I lived in. It was my home. But it has not felt like home in a long time. It is just convenient. Everything is right within a block. There is no feeling either way about being a home, where I live. And I finally decide it is time to leave this behind. I made the decision to move to White Rock and this was not taken lightly.
I have never done this before. I always just moved, well just went. As I am moving to the east coast of the US, or I am going to Alberta. I just picked up and went. Never a thought about it. Now I had to really think about this. As I am leaving what use to be home, behind and starting over in a new city. Yes it is only White Rock. But I know no one their. Well I don't have any friends here anyways.
I have nothing and need everything. I am tired of having everything taken from me, as everything I had. And I have nothing now, because of it.
I even have a women wanting to come over to Canada,who wants to see me and spend time with me. I have been writing and talking with her for a while now. And this is causing me great anxiety. I can't have her come here. It is crap. It is a dead space and it is very depressing for me. Yes I have chosen to live poorly. But come on. I don't have to live with constant crap as I have lived with for many years now. I really have no real space or time to be me. Or even have people over to try to make friends with someone. I live in my room. And that is that. I have to deal with roommates who are just pigs and don't know how to clean. I do all the cleaning and it is a very stressful thing for me. Especially now, when everything is coming at me now.
I really need to move to White Rock to deal with the doctors and to be in a place where I can actually run my business properly. With a built in clientele. White Rock is know for its seniors population. And this is who my clients are.
I can not do any of this here in Coquitlam while having to travel everyday as I do. This is actually killing me physically and mentally and spiritually.
Not only is this getting to me, but being banned from walking mom and then the hospital does not even do it. As I thought would happen. Mom wants to walk and she needs the exercise. I know what my mother needs and she is not getting it.
This is why I need to move to White Rock. I need to get mom to places and see different doctors. This I cannot do from Coquitlam.
I am dying here. I need everything, I have a women coming from Europe to see me. And I want to see her. I am not feeling comfortable about this. I am having a very hard time deciding what to do about this.
Zulfiya has allot of hoops to run through just to get a visa to come here. It was her idea to do this. It is her vacation and she has never been to Canada. I would love to spend time showing her my city. The real city. Cooking with her. Talking face to face. Not over the Internet or via email. To walk with her, be with her. Not that way. I never even thought I would ever meet someone and that I would be single for the rest of my life, To die alone. But this is very strange to me.
I am stopping myself from even having feelings for her. I know I do and this is very strange to me. I have never felt anything about anyone in a very long time. I mean over 10 years. I don't know what to do.
This thing called money is the only thing stopping me from a complete change of life, to start fresh and anew. To begin again, with the thought I am doing the right thing and maybe fall in love again.
I pray with out ceasing all the time I am traveling. I PRAY TO GOD ALL DAY FOR A MIRACLE, AND SOON, as in right away. I am to stressed out.
I am in need of love in my life. I love my mother to death. But I need to have someone I can talk to when I need a hug or to just hold someones hand and walk through the park. Just enjoying each other's company. To discuss my ideas with, and for me to support them in what ever they do.
I think Zulfiya is making a mistake. I don't deserve to be loved. I am not a worthy person. I would like it as it may remove the despair in my heart. The loneliness that has dwelt in my soul for what has seemed like eternity. The feeling of emptiness, dreading the day, even upon awakening. There is a time when a soul can no longer take the desperation of being. The knowing that there is nothing that awaits him. the lack of even knowing that tomorrow will bring another day of isolation from the world. His speech diminishing with each passing hour. Not wanting to even say a word. Just nod.
I don't write Zulfiya, as I am waiting for a miracle when everything will come together in perfect harmony. I feel like I am in a dream and I am going to wake up one day and find out that it has all been a nightmare. And I am Ok.
I can't wait much longer, as Zulfiya is doing everything she can do to get over here and be with me. I know I have to write the letter telling her that I am nothing but a looser and not to come.
I can not keep this traveling up. I might not be able to walk one day. It is that bad. I think that tomorrow a knock will come to my door and their will be my angel with the funds I need to move and get everything I need for a household and money to keep myself going until my business takes off. And money to show Zulfiya around and make sure that her first trip to Canada is a fantastic one.
Only a dream, I say, only a dream. I will awake tomorrow morning and I will be just me, in the same place and when I go to look at another place. Just a hope that it will all work out. And maybe this will be the rebirth of a desperate soul. My life.
GOD Bless and good night
With love
Kris
