Hello again
OK to start. It is mom's birthday and it is a very depressing day for me. This is the very first birthday mom is not here. All is different now. And it is not very good. I know mom is in a better place, not suffering anymore. But I do miss her greatly. Just, as mentioned before, holding her hand while she fell asleep, mean't so much to me. No matter what my life gave me, just going and being with mom, helping her, made my day better. I know I did it for mom. Not me. I did it so mom would never be alone or without someone who loves her, by her side each and everyday. To not let other's take advantage of her because she couldn't speak and couldn't use her left arm.
To just be their, taking care of her, was the best experience I could of every had. I know mom knew each day, what time I would be there and she would look out for me. The staff would tell me that she was waiting for me, daily.. And the smile on her face when she saw me. Just brilliant. She would immediately reach her hand out for mine.. and not let go. Such love. I have never experienced something like that before.
My mother is my friend. And I cannot let go of her. Yes I know she has passed away. But sometimes I think, this is all a cruel joke and mom is alive and well. That this is something my sister's would do to stop me from seeing mom. Fake her death.
But no, sadly mom is no longer with me. It is just me now. Alone and with no one.
I don't even have any counselors anymore.
After mom passed I had no counselors, than I had three, now none again. Well one of them I had to stop seeing because I can no longer afford to see her. And she was the one who was helping me the most.
And the one at Fraser Health, is not really a counselor, but a social worker. who thinks I am dealing with everything fine. Not so I say. Again I put on a brave face and I need to just not do that, to just tell them the truth. Exactly how I am doing and that is not well.!
I need to speak to someone about how I feel, yet I have no one. No one at all. People just want to tell me about their problems and are not concerned that I am hurting and not wanting to be here anymore.
Yes I said that again. What is the point of being here. I am contributing nothing to the world. I did, I made someone happy and loved. Now I don't do anything of value. Just exist, and I am not even doing that well.
Just existing is not a life. It seems I cannot hear GOD speaking to me telling me exactly what direction HE wants me to go. I need a miracle.
I have been sending off resumes each day. I did well at the beginning and got two job interviews, and one after. Yet I am not working. My age is a factor that I never thought would be a problem. And yet it is . I can't even get a job that I could do blind folded.
I need to speak to someone right away, I am not doing well. I am talking to myself allot lately. Well no one else to speak with, so I need to talk to someone. What better person than myself. Yes I am nuts. Go figure that I would be crazy. Everything else is wrong with me, I might as well be crazy at the same time.
My last bit here tonight is I NEED HELP TO GIVE MOM A SERVICE. A SERVICE SO MOM'S SPIRIT CAN RESST. FOR MOM'S SPIRIT TO MOVE ON.
I know mom's spirit is waiting for all of the people she helped to come and say a few words.
But I need a few thousand dollars to do it right.
Plus I no longer have a roommate. This alone screwed me over, big time. No help with this either.
Yet I am trying to find work. I started to look for work long before I moved in here.
DONE. I AM REALLY DONE. CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
Oh yes. I do very much appreciate everyone who continues to read this mess. Thank you, to all of you from all over the world.
