Hello again
I cannot sleep lately, I have to take extra medication to sleep. I am up until 4 trying to sleep. Then I make extra medication and I sleep until 11. I cannot do this anymore. Both sleep that late and deal with this mess I got myself into. Yes it was I who decided to move into this hell hole with the drug addicts and a person that needs 24/7 care. I can't look after her, I have my own problems to deal with.
I am not well. I am seriously depressed and it is getting worse by the day. I am trying to find a place. But, as I mentioned, it seems that I am being punished for the years of looking after mom.
Landlords don't get it. It was a full time job. For 12 years. And it was the only thing in my wasted life that I did that actually mattered. It seems that I did nothing else that mattered in my life. Nothing compared to looking after my mother. And they don't understand what I am trying to do with ADSAAC The advocacy organization.
I am disabled and have an income, but not good enough
So when my family calls me a user and looser, I already knew that............ I am not stupid. I know I have accomplished nothing with my life and I don't have much time to do anything.
I am 55 years old and retirement is at 65. I will not be getting a pension of any kind. I have 10 years to try to get something happening. Then maybe I might get $500.00 a month pension.
Yep, I am screwed and I did it to myself. I know everything in my life is not anyone's doing. I don't blame anyone for my screwed up life. But myself.
I have tried. I have talent. I am a very smart person. OK I have never tried completely. I gave up after one little thing got in my way. I don't think I have completed much. I have an education. But it is worth nothing. Can't do anything with it.
So people, I have screwed my life up, big time. And I don't see how I am going to fix it.
I believe I was given great ideas. I would love to get the advocacy business off the ground. Again. I have no money to do this.
It is going to be at least $1000 to obtain the domain names and register the the name of the business and pay for everything to do with getting the company legal.
I guess I will stop even trying
I need a place to at least make an attempt at it. I can't do it here. I can't even get going without having to do a million things for this women.
I like her, but I am not a caregiver for her. I looked after my mother and now I need to take care of myself. To get well or just give up.
I have no idea what is going on. I feel stuck and everyone around thinks I should be taking care of this women.
I can't do it. I can't take anything anymore.
I get so stressed out just coming back here each night. Thinking what is in store for me, what demands does she have for me. It starts out with one thing, as I said and then 20 things. It was this way tonight when I got back. As soon as I walked into the living room, it was one thing after another.
I have been back since 9:30 it is just now that I am able to write. I have not even made myself dinner. which I have to so I can eat and take my diabetes medicine. The last one of the day.
Well I see a counselor tomorrow. Second time with her.
I have to go and make my dinner now. It will be midnight before I can eat. I planed a nice dinner, but that is not going to happen..... To late.
So off I go to think of something else to make. If I could of made it when I got back, I would of been finished eating by now.
Please pray that GOD intercedes before it is to late.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
