Hello again
In life we are told we are to surpass our parents with our achievements and goals. Well I am just a looser. I have made progress, somewhat, in my life. I sure have not surpassed my parents in what they accomplished in their lives. I own nothing. I am in dept. I rent in a place that is completely against any and all of what I believe in. I cannot even give my mother a funeral/memorial service.
The best and greatest thing I have ever done in my life, was to take care of my mother. Nothing else. Nothing compares to it and nothing will ever compare to it. I don't believe I will accomplish anything with my life. It certainly doesn't look like anything is shaping up to do anything with my life.
I have not had a chance to fully grieve yet. Been to busy dealing with all the crap that has and is going on since my mother passed away. Dealing with the nonsense that my sister's have put me through. Now the wheelchair is missing over $2000 worth of parts and I have a nagging feeling it was not Al Hogg but.................. not going to write it down.
I tell her on the phone if it were not for their refusal of me having the chair, none of this would of happened. She tells me that you should of said you wanted the chair the night mom passed away. The chair ended up in probate because I did say I wanted the chair and they just did not want me to have it. So who is to blame here. Not me. I would of taken it and all the pieces would of been there. Well today I called the police and one of the White Rock RCMP officers came up to my place and took a report and she is going to look into it. And do a thorough investigation . So we will see who are the ones who took the parts. Al Hogg, the PGT or ...............
I don't trust anyone. I don't trust any member of my family The strangers that they are to me. I, again, have not spoken this much to them in over a dozen years. And it is only because they need me to go to the lawyers office and sign papers. That is when I hear from them and I won't hear from them again, as we have signed just about all the papers for now. And when this is all over and done with. I will never hear from them again. And I am happy about this.
They are strangers to me and I am OK with that. I don't have anything to say anyways. They have no ideas what mom went through while in all the different homes. They just didn't care for there mom. Or just to selfish to care about what happened to their mother. I was there, not them or anyone else in my so called family. And I do have several members living out here.Once again, strangers. And it will be that way, I want nothing to do with any of them. Period.
None of them are or were around while I am going through this very difficult and trying time in my life.
I also went to a grief counselor today. That was OK, we established some parameters on what we will discuss.Only about my feeling about the loss of my mother. Everything else I will have to discuss with a psychologist.
I am messed up and have extreme anxiety and a my depression has never, in my life, stopped. No matter what kind of medication I have been given. Nothing has helped me.
I can't do anything, I can't get anything done. My anxiety,depression and the fact I have nothing, is stopping me from even moving forward in my life.
I need to move, and move on. I need to live by myself so I can have an empty place to just let go and grieve. To just be by myself. That is all I want.
I want no one around me. I want no one close to me. I can easily make friends, but keeping them is my problem. Border line personality disorder, is what it is called. Plus everything else. that is wrong with me. I can't even find a doctor to help me...
So I leave you know, for what to sit in my room, as I don't want to be around this situation. It is just BS after BS.
They might read this, and that is OK with me. Because I DON;T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME. NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I JUST DON'T CARE. I HAVE NO FEELINGS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. PERIOD!
Now this crazy women is yelling at me telling me I am not allowed to cook at this time of the night.I ma on the lease. She doesn't get it. She tells me I only rent a room. No I say, I am on the lease and I share the entire apartment.
So that is how I am ending me night. Blank people/
So I say to you, Pray for me, that I find a place soon.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
