Well it has been a very bleak time for me these last days, or even weeks. Still not sleeping well. A few hours a night. This is becoming a very big problem. If I can't sleep, it is hard for me to get up early. I can't fall asleep until 4 and I try to get up before 8 but usually sleep until 9 and I feel I am wasting the day. It takes a little bit for me to get going.
Getting going is tough. As I don't know where I am going. OK I know I am going to the resource office, to use the computers, printers etc.. As well as the staff.
This I will do tomorrow as I do daily. This is becoming my problem. I am sending off resumes daily and getting nothing. Again, I am not applying for the job of all jobs. Just to get working. That is all I want for now. I have plans and I know GOD has plans for me. If I don't give HIM time through out my day, how is HE going to work in my life.
Again I have skills and abilities that I have developed and have been given. I need to use these skills. NOW not next year or the year after. Everyone thinks just get a job and forget about what you think you should be doing. Well I am looking for A JOB. And the other will come after I am working.
I thought everything was going OK, I thought wrong. I thought I had it somewhat together. Getting a job when I needed it and for crying out loud, loosing it in the same breath. To old. Then everything just slowed right down. Not the number of resumes I sent out, Just no interviews.
I am not the only one who is in this situation. I am sure there are people worse off then me. I am just being vocal about it. Sure there are those who are homeless. I will be there if I don't find a job right away. There are those who don't have anything to eat, well I am getting there now.
But I am not in the worse situation, Yet!.
It is the time of year that I am readying the room for mom, starting to take down the fall decorations and bringing in her Christmas decoration. They sit in boxes now. I have no storage, so the boxes are visible to me everyday.. It is very difficult for me. I will not give away any of these decorations. It is the first Christmas that will be without mom. It was hard enough during her Birthday and Thanksgiving. Now it is the time of year that I made sure everything was just right for mom.... I made sure the tree was right, the walls were right and everything about Christmas was right for her. Thinking of new ways to make her room look better than the year before. As I have done each and every year.
I am missing my mother. She saw the room transforming to this beautiful season. I loved the smile on her face, with each new or old decoration that goes up. It was a shame that mom couldn't help, but she did her part by singing to the music, with that lovely smile on her face. Mom knew I was doing everything for her. Mom was my best friend. And she still is. I have not met anyone to replace the loss I am suffered. Mom knows this. Mom see's me here on this plain and what is going on.
Mom made Christmas magical for me, With each decoration I put up, I believed. But since her passing, the magic is fading away. I miss her magic..................................
I look at mom's photo's all the time and each time I cry. I don't care where is it I am. Mom was the best person I ever knew. Beautiful and smart. Kind and gentle. Loving and spiritual. The best person I ever knew. I am so glad I have some of her gifts.
This Christmas I don't even want to decorate. I don't know if I should or not. If I do it is for mom, not me. I don't want to even think about it. Yet it is in my face already. Every where I go decoration are going up.
Mom, I think would love it if I did this for her. I haven't even finished unpacking. As I think to myself. WHY! If I don't find a job, I won't have a place to live. Simple as that. No it really is simple as that.
I just don't want to disappoint mom, by getting kicked out of my home. I even have an add for a new roommate. I would prefer just to live by myself. IF I ONLY HAD A JOB
I don't know if GOD is seeing me though. I hope and ask for his help.
Please pray for mom's memorial service and for mom.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuand
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
