Hello again
I come to you all a broken and desolate man Joyless, devoid of warmth,comfort and hope. Lifeless and dismal is my life as I know it............ A gloomy, glum, dreary existence. I am a very lonely individual who lives in a depressive life. Not wanting to even get up in the morning. Not wanting to even move.As it hurts.
Yet I do get up and try to do my best. But my best doesn't seem to be good enough for this life.
I am not even finished unpacking. I don't want to do it, because I think I am just going to have to pack it up again. As well as my depression is stopping me.
I am trying to get a job, I send out resume after resume and not even an interview. I need to work. Yes I said this before, there are others who are far worse off then I am. But I am the one living in this world who has nothing and no one.
I stand alone in this world, barren of life.
It is troublesome to me. I am a Christian, I read the bible everyday. I pray and pray. I am just not hearing GOD`s word.
A miracle is what I need. I prayed for this tonight. A miracle.
I just would like to get this life going, after the loss of my mother. Yes I still am grieving and I miss my mother. But I am ready to finally move forward.
This season, Christmas is upon us. And the miracle of Christmas is lost for me this year. It was decorating mom`s room and making her happy that brought the Christmas cheer on me. It made Christmas easier to deal with. I am not a big Christmas person. Haven`t celebrated Christmas for years. I only did it for mom and doing that made it better. I had hope and optimism for a better life. A better life for mom and myself. This year I am missing the key element, my mother. I have boxes of decorations and that is just where they are going to stay, in boxes.
I really would like to finish unpacking and feeling more at home. It seems everything is stopping me. I am the only one stopping me, It would be nice to decorate my home for Christmas. To do this for mom. To show her that I am not......
I would be already bringing decorations to mom`s. Getting it ready, getting new ideas how to make mom`s room better than the year before. This brought me great joy.
There are things I would like to do, I would like to go back to school, but I need the funds to take the programs I have tried to find funding. I am not eligible This gets me upset. Big time.
I do have moments through out my day, where I do smile and laugh. Especially when I stop and talk to someone.
People may think I am doing nothing to move forward. You are wrong. I am doing as much as I can. I am on the phone, I am on the computer. I am seeking, but not finding.
I need GOD to give me some direction. Some hope.
I need GOD to provide this miracle I need.
GOD bless you and your loved one`s
Kris Schmuland
https://www.gofundme.com/krisschmuland
I have noticed one thing, that is I need teeth. New dentures. People look at me and say that isn't a bad looking man. Then they talk to me, I open up my mouth and speak back to them and they see that half my bottom teeth are missing. This puts everybody off.
All I have ever done is deal with people. It is difficult to do that successfully when you are missing half your bottom teeth. I look ugly. I see this when I look at myself in the mirror. I try to talk without moving my bottom lip. But it doesn't always work. So I don't get the job. I don't get the respect. I just look ugly, as soon as I open my mouth.
Maybe I should start a fund raising campaign to get dentures.
