Hello again
Again it has been several days since my last post and I have missed you and writing this blog. It gives me pleasure and pain. But I get to vent and let you all know that life does suck at times. OK for me it seems that it sucks most of the time. I am not making excuses, I am still in pain over my loss of my mother. Have seen a grief counselor. That is done now. It did some good. I was seeing a counselor, but that was costing me and I can no longer afford to go to see her. To bad, I was getting allot out of it. She was very helpful. And I know I would of been able to deal with allot of the issues I have by seeing her. It is really to bad. Out of all the counselors I have seen in my life, I finally connect with one and can no longer afford her.
I have seen a counselor through Fraser Health, he is not bad. I saw him last week and we discussed going to a psychiatrist. His response was I don`t need one, I am dealing with everything very well. He then asked me how I am able to deal with everything going on in my life, all the diagnosis that I have been given. Well, I say to him. I don`t know myself how I am dealing with everything. He asked if I have thought of suicide. My answer was yes. Do you have any plans made. No I don`t. I thought of it. I have so much going on I am not sure if I can continue to deal with it as you think I can.
The truth is, I am nothing now.. I have no purpose, Whatever I do will never give me the satisfaction I received by looking after my mother. Fighting for her rights and just being their for her. Nothing! I don`t believe I have a purpose anymore. So my days are just that. A man without a purpose. Taking care of my mother was a full time job, And as always, I would do it all over again, without a second thought. I loved every minute of it. The only thing worth while in my life. I believe anyways.
Now he tells me that I have dealt well and seem to be doing OK. Once again. They are not getting it. I can put on this brave face and pretend to be doing well, on the outside that is, but on the inside, I no longer want to be here. What for! I am not serving a purpose in this world. That is my problem. I believe I am to do something that matters in life. Not just be. I have been given the gift of intelligence, creativity, honour, compassion. Knowing. I have been given many gifts and they are just going to waste. I can`t just do this anymore. I was there everyday for mom, because it was a gift. It was to use what I have been given. My compassion and understanding. It was to do what we all should be doing. Honour your mother and father..
It is getting harder for me, as I miss holding mom`s hand each day. Just knowing that mom knew someone was there for her. To care for her no matter what. Even if was just sitting there holding her hand, singing to her, reading to her. or just simply sitting there being still. So I have no purpose, so why be here. Not doing anything for anyone. Yes I learned some very valuable skills, that were sharpened. To advocate, to understand the law when it comes to seniors issues. But not anymore.
So all I want to do now is to use all the skills and gifts I have and received, while taking care of my mother, and put them to use. But, here is the big but. It seems that it is going to be more difficult than I thought.
I moved. Now I have a place that I thought I had the perfect roommate. My friend, so called, works out of town, recently divorced and paying for hotels every time he is in town. He paid half the month for this first month, then a few days latter he tells me he has changed his mind and is just going to get a place up there. Crappy or what. Now I am stuck paying the full amount. I can`t afford it. Then I say to myself, It is time to get a Part time job.
Off I go to the job club and send off 6 resumes. I got two job interviews and I thought I got one of the jobs. I go Monday morning and worked for three days. I needed to finish moving and I brought this up in the interview, so I couldn`t work the Thursday and Friday. It was on the weekend that I got a feeling I lost the job. Everyone at the job was saying to me, We will see you Monday.I get an email telling me the owner is going a different way. In other words, younger! As everyone at the company was younger than I am. Age discrimination. A first and I never thought it would happen to me.
OK I take that and go and send off another 6 resumes. I get an email an hour after I sent the resume to the company and the next day I get an interview. The interview went well, but the last thing the owner of the company said to me was thank you SIR. SIR there goes that job. He was asking what I was making in my other jobs.
I just want a Part Time, three days a week. Just some extra money to help pay the rent and bills. I also need to pursue helping seniors. Advocating for their rights I had or maybe still have an opportunity to do this. I just need a few days, free, during the week.
I just want a part time job. I am not looking to take over there companies. I am not looking for a huge wage. Just a decent wage for a decent job done. That is all
I am trying. I was at the job club again today, sending off a few more. Maybe trying to get something in the non profit sector.
Just not working. Just a job.
OK I have Parkinson's Fibromyalagia, Diabetes, depression and a huge list of other things wrong. I am in pain all the time. The last few days my mind has been in a fog. I couldn`t even button up my shirts correctly. It happened three times. I saw my doctor today and he tells me that the brain fog is part of having Fibromyalagia. My doctor tells me there are some good medications to help deal with this disorder. He writes me a prescription for another type of pain relief medication. I take it in to the Pharmacist and they tell me it is not covered and it will cost me $83.65 for one month. I don`t have $83.65 and can`t pay for this every month. I don`t have the money. I didn`t get the prescription, which I need.
Now I am really upset. I need this medication and can`t get it. I have all these things wrong with me and can`t get the help I need to deal with everything. I had a counselor I could talk too. But can`t afford her. The other counselor thinks I can deal with everything that is thrown at me. Yes it seems that I can and have no idea why or how I am dealing with everything. I just say it is GOD that is dealing with this for me or helping me.
I have always said that GOD never gives you more than HE thinks you can handle. Well it is coming to an end of what I can handle.
I believe I am done writing tonight.
¸GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
