Hello again
Today was and is a very sad day for me. I have had allot of episodes of just crying. It is the first Mother's Day without my mom.
Very difficult day for me. I just went out to North Vancouver. I was with three friends but that didn't make any difference. I needed to go off by myself to just be alone. I think today was not a very good day to be around people. I was not in a good mood, didn't speak much. In fact I tried to just go off on my own. Find a quiet spot to reflect.
I did buy mom a card and some flowers. I have her ashes in my closet. I can see them, I have so much stuff I can't close the closet door, so they are visible. Well the urn is in a box and a bag. But I put the card in the box, right next to her urn.
I have been shacking and depressed all day long. No smiles from me. I have been hungry, but I did want to eat. Not in the mood.
It is a hard day, as I did everything I could to make each Mother's Day special for mom. A beautiful home cooked meal. Flowers she loved and a card that reflects my love for my mother.
It really makes me know that I am lost and alone. I have no family, that I call family. I have a few friends. They are nice and treat me with respect. But I am still not over the passing of my mother and there are many days that I feel very alone. Even being around people.
It is surprising that no one, not a soul called me today to see if I was doing OK. NO ONE. I am very disappointed at that. Just goes to show you that I am truly alone. And I have no one on my side or no one who even cares if I am well or not.
Just as I have said in the past. I will just have to do everything alone, as I have always done. This is devastating to me. I have been nothing but suffering from extreme anxiety all week long. And it hasn't stopped.
I wish I could just go. I wish I could just buy a home, by a lake and that will be that. Bury mom and dad on my property. Well I don't think that. But bury mom and dad above my grandparents, as they want to be. I don't even have the funds to give my mother a service.
This is what I wanted for them. To be buried above my grandparents and today I would of went and visited them and brought some flowers for them . Mom and dad.
But no.
Mom always loved the way I did up Mother's day for her. Always a huge smile from the moment I arrived until she fell asleep at night.
That is the biggest thing I miss, is holding her hand, while she fell asleep at night. Knowing that when her hand loosened, mom would be asleep. And it would be OK for me to go. I did this every single night for her. Mom always reached out for my hand at night. She wouldn't even get comfortable until I was holding her hand, while she lay in bed.
I am crying now............... It is to painful for me to bare. I don't want to be without her. I need my mother back. GOD is not helping me, I see that. I am nothing and going nowhere very fast. I don't have a thing or no one in my life.
I haven't had a girlfriend in over 15 years, actually more than that.
I am so lost without my mother around. Even though everyone said she had Dementia, mom was still a strong voice in my life. She understood what was going on. And she knew I was not going to even bother with a girlfriend while I looked after her.
And it didn't bother me at all. I wanted it this way. I only wanted to take care of my mother. And that was it. Nothing else mattered to me. Nothing.
And I made sure mom understood that she was first and I would always be there for her. I was going to do everything I possibly could to keep her alive and for her to know she was loved.
I didn't though. I didn't fight hard enough. I feel really guilty. I just don't want to be around anymore.
I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
I need to go now. I have to try to eat something
GOD bless and good night
I need a miracle.
Kristopher Schmuland
