Hello again
I spent most of last night and this morning going through mom's pictures which I downloaded to a usb drive. I have to go through them one by one to see which one's I wanted printed. Still have allot to go through. There are over 700 photo's on this USB drive.
And through out it all I was having to take breaks because I was crying to much. It is still very hard on me. It has only been, almost 4 months. I have not yet begun to grieve over the loss of my mother.
I am in a horrible living situation. And yes it is my fault, once again, I screwed up. I just wanted out of where I was and I knew about this place last fall, but I had a bad feeling about it. And it was exactly what I thought it was going to be.
I have mom's ashes in my room, And I am worried about them. I am worried about everything I have.
We are being evicted. Not due to me. I pay my rent in full, but the other's don't and the one in charge of paying the bills, spends the money and then lies about it. What does she think that I am not going to know she is lying to me. So here I am I now need a place to live. They want me to continue to live with them. They want me to move to a new place with them. Not going to happen.
Anyways. I realize that I have not even begun to grieve for mom. A little crying. OK allot of crying. But not taking any steps to solve this.
I am on the phone all the time, trying to find someone to assist me with this. There is suppose to be allot of help out there. But where. I can't seem to find it. I just want to speak with a psychiatrist. that's all. Or a psychologist. I need to speak to one.
I have no one else to speak with. Not a soul. I am truly alone in this world now. With no one by my side. No one to even talk to or have someone just sit and listen or just sit with me, while I cry or go through this crap.
I really miss my mother. Really badly. My life as I knew it is over. I don't even have what it takes to make a start with this new beginning.
I have nothing I am nothing and I have no one, and I have no way to do this. I am stuck and I don't want this anymore. I am done with this BS.
I can't even give my mother and service she deserves. I don't even have the rent money to move to a new place.
I am sure my mother is looking down from above, shaking her head. Saying what kind of person have I raised.
I know I did the right thing by taking care of my mother and I would never of changed that and I don't regret doing it. It was the right thing to do. Honor you mother and father. Look after your parents. It was my chose. I just thought there would be honor in doing this. Yet what I get from other's is get a job, there is no need to grieve.
I am done
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
