Hello again
It has been one week today that my mother passed away. 9:08 pm.
I have been an absolute mess and in pain. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I spend the last 7 years being by her side, every single day. Without exception. There was only 1 week, while in Coquitlam, that I could not see her. Due to a quarantine. Other than that, everyday. I would do it all over again if I had to.
I would of done this, for mom, for another 10 years or longer, if mom would of lived. Without reservation. It was the right thing to do..........
I have no guilt about this. Not doing this or not doing that. Yes I tried to do more, but this was all I could do, to be by her side, until the very end.
I promised that I would look after mom. Sure I lived poorly. But that was my decision. Sure I asked for help many, many times. I did not get any. I did it by myself, with no help from anyone.
Yes there were many days, I went without. Oh well, I did this for mom and mom sacrificed allot for me and the other two. She was always there for us, no matter what.
My week has consisted of riding the bus at night. I have no desire to even be in this place.
Having no phone has made it extremely difficult to call for some help, counsellings services. I was able to get in touch with the hospice society and the counselor did call me back, but because of only having a WiFi phone, No one could contact me if I was not at the place where I stay or sitting at a WiFi location.
I am in serious pain and all alone, I finally realized that I have no family. I am truly alone in this world now.
I am barely sleeping, and when and if I can, I am crying myself to sleep. I am waiting for mom to come and visit me. Sound crazy to you, that is OK as well.
I need to grieve, I need counseling. I am falling apart.
I need to keep it together to go to the funeral services next Friday.
I am not eating, I am barely sleeping, I don't have anyone to speak to about this. No phone, no nothing.
GOD bless and good night
Kristopher Schmuland
