I am trying

Hello again

I have not come to terms with the diagnosis of PD, but at least I know what it is that I have. For the last two years I have been trying to figure out these things. The doctor has told me I might have this or I might have that. I am sure you know, I have written about it many times.

So no to everything else, but yes to having Parkinson's disease. Oh well. That is the way it is. But I am pissed off. All the things I have going on in my life and this. I just want to look after my mother. I just want to live close to her so I can look after her more than I am doing now. Is that to much to ask for. A little help to get me out there and get set up, until I can get things going. It is extremely hard to get anything going when one travels 7 or 8 hours in a day. Everyday.

Maybe if I lived out there, I could except this news more easily. You know, it could be a gradual process that this disease takes in my life or it could be a year and I am not doing well. The doctor thinks it will be gradual. I sure hope so, for mom's sake. Forget about what I think. I haven't told mom and I will not tell her. Mary has enough to deal with, with her disabilities. Than to worry about her son. And I am going to keep it this way. I won't be telling her.

And really, what does it matter anyways. Since I was diagnosed, not a single person has asked me how I am doing.  And it is almost a week. Not a single person. I now know, nobody really gives a shit about me. Making me even more alone in this world.

I am okay with that. I am alone now and have been for a very long time. What difference does it make now. I know what loneliness is, true loneliness. The only problem I have is, I don't have anybody to speak with about this. What I am having to deal with.  I am certainly not going to just announce, hey you all I have PD. They don't care so I am making it my point not to care either about anyone where mom lives.

I was mistaken in my view that I actually had people who cared about me and my mother's well being. I guess I was wrong with that thought.

Moving on.

It is Saturday and it is mom's bath day. So I knew she would be in bed when I arrived today. I made her a nice dinner in bed.

I did not care how long it took mom to finish dinner. We took our time. It turned out to be a long time feeding her. I was just folding up the laundry. Dirty sheets and her clothing from yesterday, when the care aid came in. I was looking at her and asked if she was early. It turned out that she was on time.

I still had a couple of things to do before I went and did the dishes and made some hot water. So I quickly did this and off I went to do what was needed to be done before returning to mom's room. The LPN came in as well to give mom her nightly medicine. So everything was done. I didn't even have to change the sheets. The nice care aid from the morning shift did this for me. Two weeks in a row. Thank you. whoever you are. Thank you.'

Since mom was so tired and relaxed she only wanted me to do half the spa treatment. Which is just her face and arms. And of course the daily neck massage. This was done to her satisfaction.

So I stood there, holding her hand while she fell asleep. Completely relaxed.

I am going to leave this blog the way it is tonight.

I thank one and all for reading this.

GOD bless and good night.

Kristopher Schmuland