Hello again
I don't even know how to describe this day. So I won't. I will just say this. I am extremely depressed and it is becoming a problem.
Maybe it is time to go back on anti depressants again. I really don't like feeling numb. As it is I am an extremely calm person. But depression is something that I have lived with since I quit drinking. And it is not fun.
It takes me two hours to just get out of bed each day. I have extreme OCD and anxiety issues.
But I digress,
Mom is doing OK. Tired. But this could be due to the fall weather. Raincouver. Dull, Grey, raining, windy etc.....
When I say I make mom smoothies, I do and I spoon feed this to her. She likes it this way. Mom does not have a problem with drinking anything. But she likes it when I give her the smoothie this way. Go figure.
I have noticed this past week, that when I hold mom's hand, her eye's close and she just wants to go to sleep. It is a warm feeling that someone trust me this much that just the fact of holding her hand, says that I trust you completely and know that you will be their.
I am staying latter. I want to make sure mom is asleep when I leave. It doesn't matter to me when I get home. It is not like I am going to be going to sleep when I get home.
Last night it wasn't until 4 AM that I finally fell asleep.... And my alarm goes off at 9 AM. Then it takes me until 11 AM to even get out of bed. And therefore I am not getting what I need done. I have to leave by 1 PM daily.
It is mom's 85 Birthday this Saturday. A huge milestone, if I do say so myself. Especially since she has Dementia. As long as I keep getting proper nutrition into her, she should be around for a long time to come. And I am very good with this. I need to make this Birthday very special and am trying. I need ideas. And of course you know what.
Again, I just want to live close to her. So I no longer have to get on a bus and travel 3 hours each night. Then maybe I might feel a little better. And can get somethings done. I can stay a little latter each night, as my dream would be to just walk home.
I have a chair, and a small side table. A bed, dresser, night stands and a desk. A vacuum and kitchen utensils. A old CRT TV and of course this computer. This is what I watch everything on anyways. And some clothing, which are all to big on me. I call them my fat cloths. As I used to be 275 lbs and now I am 200 lbs.This is all good enough for me.
I have no pots and pans or plates and cutlery.
I don't have any friends so I don't have to worry about people coming over. I can find some other furniture somewhere. I guess.
I have been offered a Part time job, but I have to be living out their. As the job is in the mornings Starting at 9 AM for four hours each day, 3 days a week. There is no way for me to get to White Rock for 9 Am from Coquitlam. The bus are not running out here, that early.
So I can afford a place on my own. And for this I need money to get the place and pay for it for a month or so. Then with both my incomes I can afford a place. .
Isn't this a pickle, You do or you don't.
Well it is after midnight again. I am going to try to get to bed before 4 tonight.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
