Hello again
While mom is falling asleep, I am holding her hand. I give her hand a squeeze and mom smiles. This is the best feeling one could have. Mom occasionally opens her eyes to see if I am really their. Briefly.
Mary is feeling better today. I guess it was a few day flu that was or is going around. Don't worry, if you really were about to worry. I don't get sick. I can't afford to do this, as I need to be their for mom each and everyday. So I don't get sick.
It is two years now, that mom has been in White Rock and I have not missed one single day, visiting her. I have traveled well over 10,000.00 klms so far, in the two years. before this mom was in Coquitlam and I was their visiting her everyday as well. I do the right thing.
Some of the staff still can't believe that I go everyday, even though they see me.
It is what I am to do. This is what I want to do. This is why it is so important for me to be living in White Rock. To be able to hold her hand until she falls asleep. Not having to tell her I have to leave, so I can catch a bus.
I am not sure why I even pray, anymore. I will not stop thanking GOD for helping mom. But why pray for anything else. I am still in Coquitlam, I am in pain. I can not even clean my home anymore, And the others are not going to clean. So I have to live in a pig sty.
I find a place, but can't even afford to live their. I went and looked at it today. The guy likes me, understands what I am doing for mom. Now he wants to know if I am going to take it. And when can I bring a damage deposit to him.
I have to let him know tomorrow. I didn't tell him I would take it, but I do like it. It is nice and it is cheap. Close to the home and everything else. Mom would love coming over for lunch, or just to visit.
I should not of even gone to look at it. I just got my hopes up, for nothing. It made me angry for the rest of the day. OK, I am still angry. I would go without eating to live their. I might find help for this somewhere. Who am I kidding, I can't get help with this now, what makes me think it would be different in white Rock.
At least, if I was their, I could check out these two churches I see all the time. I do miss going to church.
Anyways, mom ate very well tonight. Then let me know, she wanted her nightly spa treatment. Time to go to bed, is what she said. In her own way. I understand it.
The care aid was late changing mom tonight. They know I need to be on a bus at a certain time. And all she could say was sorry. By being late, means mom has to sit in her own filth for longer. They just don't get this.
I really am going to have to change mom, myself. I feel to bad for her having to be in this situation. Of having to sit in her own filth.
It really hurts me to see mom like this. I feel deep pain because of this. I know it is because of a stroke and Dementia and I can't do anything about it.
I have said this before, I would give up my life for her. Or do anything to help her. Even sacrifice everything to make sure she has everything.
OK it is midnight again. My laundry should almost be done, so I can go to bed. Well go to my bedroom and lie on the bed and watch something. I have no idea what. I watch one show and then start another, but fall asleep during the show. And it repeats it's self. Then I wake up a while latter and watch the rest of it. If I can, without falling asleep again.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
