Hello again
Tonight I saw for the first time with mom, a change. For a moment, mom did not know who I was. And was pushing me away and getting angry. The look in her eyes told it all. Like who are you, get away from me. Yes this happens, even though I am their everyday and spend 3 hours with her each day.
This is the progression of the disease. I saw it when my father entered the latter stages of this disease. With my grandfather it was the same.
They both did not live long in the latter stages of this disease.
I now need to get to White Rock to live and be at the home as much as possible. I need to be living as close to her as possible. The 6 or more hours of traveling I do, can be spent with her. Or a great part of it. If I am in White Rock, I will be their all the time. Taking mom out and doing things with her and for her.
Now is the most important time for me to be doing this. I knew one day it would happen. But you never expect it, or I never wanted it to happen.
I live in my own little world of mom is going to be all right. I hope she lives a very long time. I just know what happens with Dementia patients. I am very well experienced with this. And knowledgeable.
I am very upset right now. On top of the fact I am in serious pain and it is not going away. I am already grieving my mother.
I have, for the last three days, stayed until mom falls asleep. Just sitting there holding her hand. I need to do this for her. I need for her to know, that I am right there for her. It is the way she taught me to be.
Writing this about what happened tonight, is causing a flux of tears to come streaming down my face. I am blinded by this as I write this blog. It is extremely painful for me.
I don't even have a single person I could call to talk to. Not a one.
No mater how much education I have, It is not helping me out right now. Mom forgot who I was. Only for a moment. But that moment gets increasingly longer.
I have not really stopped crying since then. I have hidden it well tonight. Thank GOD I really didn't run into anyone that questioned me. Yes isn't it funny, I am shedding tears on the skytrain and know one bothered to ask if I was OK or what was wrong.
Funny isn't it.
I have nothing to move with, but I will have to trust GOD and the other Christians out their to help me out. Or maybe not. The other Christians I mean. GOD will be their to help me. I believe.
I need a place so I can bring mom over too. Furniture that is comfortable for her. I won't let her sit in the wheel chair while over. I want mom to be able to spend the night.
I need the place to be nice, comfortable and spacious. A place with a view, would be nice.
I just need to be in White Rock now. Not latter, but now.
I can no longer let mom spend most of her days by herself. She needs family with her, from now on. As much as possible. No questions asked. This is what mom needs and deserves to have. And since the rest of the family doesn't care. I will continue to be their. I will step up even more.
And if this means an all out fight for everything to help mom, than so be it. If it means continuous picketing the PGT, than so be it. To file a complaint with the human rights commission, than so be it. All of this might be what I need to do to make mom's life happier.
I have always thought that if I did the right thing, everything else would be OK. I know this is just wishful thinking.
I don't do any of this for my mother out of guilt. I do this because I love my mother very much and will be their for her, to the very end. GOD bless that she lives a very long time.
My back is not getting any better, by the time I get to White Rock and get off the bus, I am walking hunched over and in extreme pain. But I leave this at the door of the Al Hogg pavilion. And I do not let my mother know how bad it is. She knows I am in pain, that my back hurts. It is not because of her, by any means. Again it is from the bus drivers out in Surrey.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
If anyone needs to help out, You know how to get a hold of me.
