Hello again
I am sad again today.
Today all I had to make for mom was an omelette and bacon for dinner. I did and it was not mom's first choice for what she wanted for dinner. Of course, I have to re heat it and nothing tastes good after it was heated up in a microwave oven.
But she had roast beef and mash potatoes with a vegetable. This she liked. But mom felt that she had to eat some of the dinner I made for her. Even though she was full from the dinner their. She did not want to see it wasted.
As I can't eat eggs, and I don't eat pork. It would of not been wasted. I would of just given it to the raccoons. I have nothing for them and they would of loved it.
Nothing is wasted with me.
It does not matter if mom likes it. OK I like to make things she enjoys. But if she does not want it. She does not have to eat it.
I told her this. mom eat only what you like. And if you don't like it don't eat it. This is the way we all eat. So don't feel that because I made it you have to eat it.
Do only what you want. Mom has earned this right. And this is the way she should be.
I don't know, but mom is crying allot lately. She looks at me while I am doing all this for her and cries. But I say to her that I look forward to being here and this is the best part of my day. I miss her everyday, and I would never change what I am doing for anything.
This I tell her and mentioned to her today. Mom then smiled. And she loves what I do for her.
When I first arrived, I washed her hair, dried it and styled it. Then dinner and her spa treatment.
She did mentioned to me about wanting fresh flowers for her room. I just don't have anything to be able to get this for her. I have nothing left to make mom any kind of dinner. What I made her today was it.
Mother's Day is upon us and I can't even cook her a meal, buy her a meal. I can't even buy her flowers.
Mom needs night gowns, her own comforter's As I would like to have mine back. Yet if I can't get her any comforters. She can keep mine and I will just keep on using what I have.
I hate sheets, especially a top sheet. I don't know why.
But what I have concluded about myself, is that I am not a good son. I cannot provide mom with the proper things she needs. I do what I can, but I know it is not enough.
I know mom sees this and knows I am doing the best that I can do, with what I have. But I see it differently.
I am not doing a good enough job. I need to do better. Mom needs a very good vitamin regime. She needs to get up and exercise.
I blame the staff at the Al Hogg pavilion for not doing any of these things. Which they told me they were going to do. As with all the places mom has been.
By making mom go to the bathroom in her pants is abuse. By not getting mom up and trying to walk her is abuse. And not letting mom move about by herself is also abuse. These are issues that I should be taking up with the the human rights tribunal.
I am not making any sense now. Time for my dinner, popcorn, again. I am starting to enjoy it. I don't have a choice.
Someone is coming for a bike I have for sale. But I forgot the combination and I don't have bolt cutters. They are to come tomorrow by 1 pm. I will knock on some of the neighbors doors. To see if any of them have a set of bolt cutters. I will only get $35.00 if they show up. It will be enough to maybe get her flowers and some drinks and chocolate.
I am loosing my conversational skills. I don't have many conversations with anyone. Don't get me wrong. I love speaking with mom and will talk to her none stop. She does let me know it is time to just hold her hand while she listens to music.
I really am loosing it. I can't concentrate.
Have to go
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
