Hello again
Well today I passed my drivers road test, so I am back on the road. You think l should be happy about this. But I am not. It is just now I have a drivers license. It hasn't changed the fact that I think of myself as a looser.
The license doesn't matter. Everything doesn't matter. I would rather have my mother still alive than anything else. I had a purpose. Now nothing. No purpose, no life. A huge part of me died when mom passed away. A major part of who I was and am. Which I am no more. Just back to what everyone thinks I am. I am the first to admit it. I don't need any member of my family telling me that I am this and I am that. I am very good at putting myself down, putting myself into perspective, my life and what I am and will be.
There is nothing in this world that I want more than to have mom alive and me looking after her. It was the best thing I have ever did with my life. Yes I repeat this over and over again. Yet it is the truth and no matter what is said about me, This I know to be the proudest moments of my life. It is now really just starting to hit me. And it is hitting me extremely hard.
The music I listen to, I played for mom. Now, when I listen to this music, I get very sad and start to cry. I don't know what to do. This is the music that I enjoy and have been listening to before I started to play it for mom. And mom really enjoyed this music as well. She loved it and wanted it playing as much as possible.... All night long, mom listen to this. Now I can't, without breaking down.
There are so many things that need to be done, I don't even know if I am even capable of doing this or any of it. I am doing my best.
I should be happy, friends say. Again, no I am not. I don't even want to be around anyone. Again, this is happening.
Right now, at this moment, I am feeling just like a stump. I feel my life just slinking down a drain. Ever so slowly, maybe even quickly We will see
I have my glucose reader, but I am not doing what I am to do. Check, check and check my blood sugar level. I just can't bring myself to it.
I am afraid.
GOD bless and good night
K
