Hello again
Well my counselor was right. I have PTSD as a result of my mothers passing. I can't even think about mom without breaking down. I am not even capable of making any decisions. I asked someone today about something. Didn't get an answer and couldn't decide. Just couldn't decide.
I am not couping with anything very well Sure I can put on this BS face and go through out my day. But it is fake and I know everyone see's it as just that fake. Today was a day I was feeling very withdrawn from everything and everyone. I can still feel it. People are speaking with me and I am just not there.
I am struggling, to just deal with what is in front of me. I can't sleep, and when I do fall asleep, it is 4 am. then having to get up. That alone is a struggle.
My day to day life is falling apart. Very quickly.
I have no idea what to do next. With everything. My doctor, good as he seems, is not helping me the way I need him to help. I will be speaking with him on Wednesday about everything.
This diabetes is really getting to me. There is so much to do to keep myself alive. My glucose is very high. I have to go on a different diet. Which is way out of my price range. I need a diabetes bracelet. No funds for this. Everyone is telling me I need to have this, I need to wear this.
I am trying.
Just doing anything is becoming difficult. I have a few friends and just dealing with them is becoming difficult. I am in a irritated mood all the time. I want to just go. Where, I don't know.
I know I am not getting the help I need. I have so many things wrong with me. This new thing, diabetes is just the topper, which is throwing me over the edge.
Actually, I am starting to feel the effects of the lose of my mother. This is not stress, this is something I have never experienced before. I am shaking more and more each day. I can barely hold on to things. My insides are being eaten up. I am dizzy all the time now. My head is spinning and spinning. My vision is blurry, I have headaches all the time now. All day long. My hearing is becoming very poor. I can't concentrate on anything for any length of time. I am afraid of everyone. I have never been afraid of anything before. I walked with the belief I am safe. I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel safe anywhere. Even at my friends homes. I just want to go, as soon as I get there. My nerves are fried. I can't stand even being on the train, bus or even walking around. But I just can't sit still. Even now, I am shaking, inside and out. My heart is beating heavily, I am short of breath. I am sweating. I know it is not a heart attack. I know it is anxiety that I am experiencing. The nerves in my left arm are bothering me. This what the pain in my left arm is about. Maybe it is carrying the backpack or sleeping on it wrong. I don't want to get into an elevator with anyone. I am re living mom's last days. What it was like. I am not dealing with the fact that mom's belongings were taken. I am angry about that. I am angry that the police are not doing anything about it. I am angry that I am not doing anything about it.
I have to write an email to a lawyer and describe what happened to mom and what the home did. For a wrongful death suite. I have time for that, but I have to do it. I have not even opened the large box of mom's medical records. That is freaking me out. Just to think about it. I need to look through all the photo's of mom. Can't bring myself to do this either. It is even difficult going to the closet,where here photo's and medical records are, to get something to wear each day. Nowhere else to put them.
I feel like my life is being strangled. I don't know how to describe it. I would like to speak with someone who is going through PTSD or has gone through PTSD. Someone to help me figure this out. I have all these expenses now and I can't deal with not being able to look after myself.
I can't begin to describe what else I am feeling. I will as I know myself what it is I am feeling.
Now for this lady I am living with and trying to help. I looked after my mother for a very long time. It is the proudest moment of my life. I can't even look after myself right now. I am barely getting by. This lady is nice. I like her, but I can't look after her the way she thinks I should be doing. Like her friend, the one that moved out, said to her the other day. He doesn't think I am doing anything to help out. Really!
OK I am just lost and I know now that I do have PTSD. This I need to bring up with my doctor. I am discussing this with my counselor now. All the symptoms are present. Disassociation.
I have decided that ADSAAC is no more. It is not right. I believe a foundation in my mother;s name is where I should be putting my attention.
As you have read, I am all over the place. I am going now.
Please pray. If anyone is or has gone through what I am dealing with. Please Please.............No one from my so called family please.
I am trying to get some help. Everyone thinks I am weak and faking it. No one has any idea what is happening in my life. Just what I write here.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
