Hello again
I was speaking with the grief counselor today and it came down to this horrendous guilt I have. I feel guilt that I did not take mom out for walks more often. I feel guilt that I did not do more, when it counted, as in feeding her towards the end of her life and making sure she had everything. I believe that my mother would still be alive if I would of pressed the issue with Al Hogg and filed a complaint against them for not allowing me to feed her and for them not finding out, until it was to late, that mom had a Bladder Infection.
I feel extreme guilt that I can't give my mother a memorial/funeral service. To bury her.
We spoke on this for most of the session. He tells me that I should not be feeling guilty about anything. That I did more for my mother than anyone else would of. I didn't do enough. Period.
We spoke on my situation. I can't speak to him about anything but my grief. I am still hurting allot. I don't see the end coming anytime soon. I don't know when I will break down, or where.
My mother deserves respect and I can't give it to her. I don't have the money to give my mother a proper service. I didn't do enough for her. I could of done more.
I know she is gone. I have her ashes in my closet. The doors are open and I see her everyday. I talk to her. I say good morning and good night to her. She is always on my mind.
I have so much to do in my life now, that I am frozen. I am not getting much done at all. I should be trying to get another doctors appointment.
I am trying to get my learner now. I went all the way to the licensing bureau. 50 minutes from my place. And then waited for 1/2 only to be told that they stopped giving these tests at 3:30 that there is a sign. My response was I tried to call but I kept getting the main ICBC line. If I could of called, I would not of wasted my time, coming all the way down here. I could of done something else I need to do.
OK I am mad and very upset today.
I realized I have no faith left. I am not being guided in anyway.
So
Good night
Kris Schmuland
