Hello again
So today I now feel that my grief is starting. I just want to be alone more today than I have been in the last two weeks. And I wanted to be alone then. I am just not trusting anyone right now. I have good reasons not to. Not a single person has stepped up to offer any kind of assistance to me in anyway. Not for comfort or anything.
So I am now going to do things the way I usually do things. And that is alone. I will no longer have any contact with any of the family, as it has been for years. And not even my cousin. That ship has sailed. The only contact I will have is with the girls and that is only to get mom's ashes. And then it will be nothing, Unless we need to see the lawyer. After that I will have no contact with anyone.
I am just going to do what is necessary and that will be that.
I am alone, I knew this before mom passed and it is the same now as it was then. No one around. Shame on the family for not even being there for mom. No visits, no acknowledgment that she is passed on. Nothing from any of them .
I will have a service for mom. Come hell or high water this will happen. I put it in GOD'S hands and GOD will make it happen.
So here I am. No skill set anymore. I am an excellent caregiver. I am good at advocating. Can understand the law. But that is it.
So what it boils down to is I am a nobody, I am nothing. I don't have any marketable skills. Sure I can write, I write poetry, I can advocate and I am a caregiver. But I don't want to be a caregiver to anyone. It was only mom.
What I knew, I knew it a long time ago. And that is the past. Time to begin again. Now that I am older,
Is all of this necessary. I do feel like I am being punished. I know I am all over the internet. And I don't really see it as favorable to me in a job search.
I just need to grieve now. To figure out what I feel, and how I feel. I know I am feeling extremely guilty for not doing more for mom. Not taking her out enough. Not being there for her enough. I could of done more.
I know why they don't want me in Al Hogg anymore. And it is OK. I guess it will have to be OK. I am not going to fight about it. Will just leave that one alone. I will just leave that in GOD'S hands. Let HIM sort it out. Not up to me.
I am not feeling good about anything. It is becoming more and more difficult for me this last month. I didn't speak with a friend for a week and he called the police on me. To see if I was OK. The police were all over the place looking for me. They found me and I told them what happened and that I am just not in the mood to speak with anyone. Not in the mood to even answer my phone. Which I didn't do. And still not really into answering the phone. Unless I am expecting a call. But what does it matter anyways. No one is calling me.
I am finding that everyone is actually two faced. They were nice to me, but not anymore. Even the one person at Al Hogg I thought would be supportive, turned out to be just another person who doesn't really care.
I am around, but not. I am here, but I am not. At this new place I am in my room again. Nothing changed but the location. Sure they speak English, but they like to watch TV in the dark. Where as I am of the light. I am depressed enough, I don't need to be sitting in the dark. So my room it is . AGAIN.
Because of everything that is wrong with me I am not getting what is needed to be done, Done. I have a list of things that I need to do, but have no motivation to do any of them. I don't want to be here, I just want to find somewhere and sit and read. Drink my tea and that is that.
So I leave you tonight with a sad heart.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
