Hello again
All I wanted to do this day was to wonder around and that is just what I did. I had no destination, I just wondered. Didn't achieve much today. Actually, nothing at all. I just did it so I wouldn't think about having a service for mom.
You see that is the only thing I have been thinking about. I cannot move on until this happens. It is out of respect for mom that this has to be done. The girls don't give a, they just don't care. Someone has to care and as it has been for the last dozen years, it is I who cares about what happens and that mom needs to have this done. Her spirit speaks to me, touches my heart. Telling me that she deserves this. My father had a service and why not my mother. The one who took care of all of us. Who was always there, no matter what.
Doesn't this make sense to you. I just need to show mom the respect she deserves. That she is entitled to. No one else is going to do anything. I love my mother and miss her greatly. I don't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her. My life is on hold. Well, actually, I have no idea what my life is going to be now. No idea at all.
You are all well aware of the fact that my entire life was based on one thing. That was to take care of my mother. And I do really miss doing that. I don't know how to take care of myself to well.
I am suffering from extreme depression, I am suffering from extreme anxiety. My OCD is in full gear now. I am breaking out in spots. Everyday, it is the same thing. I am hungry, I have no idea what I am going to eat or what I want to eat. I do have things to cook, but I forget to take anything out of the freezer. Then I get angry, because I am so hungry. I end up eating, well, not very much. It is late, as late as I use to eat. Midnight. I just can't break that habit. I did it for a very long time, Get back at 10:30, write and/or start to make mom something for the next day. Then cook something for myself. So by the time this is all done, I am eating at 12:30 or 1:00 am. and not getting to bed until 3 am. Not a good thing. This has to change.
I have been trying to write a history of mom and who she is. I am doing this so at the service for mom, I can let all know who mom really was. Not this fluff. To tell her story. This I know mom would appreciate very much. I need to get photo's of mom for this as well.
The one thing that I am upset about is all the photo's of mom and dad's wedding and photo's of dad in the army, are, from what the girls are saying, gone. They don't know where they are or who has them. They are not here, they keep telling me. Well I know the truth, they have them. I don't know how I am going to get them, except through court action. I need to do this. They tried to screw me out of a funeral service for mom, by going behind my back. They knew exactly what they were doing, just as they did with dad's service. I will never stop speaking about that, as they have caused me allot of anguish over that. Missing my father's service, as I had no way of getting to Mission. I didn't have a car, and there was no bus running out there, and I couldn't afford the $100 cab fare, there and back. None of them would of come and got me. Of course not, they knew they did this behind my back. Just as they tried to do this with mom.
When the funeral director phoned them and mentioned to them about doing this. They said, "we were going to tell him" knowing full well that getting to Mission is a feet unto it's self. Now, not 9 years ago, there is a way to get out there. I have to go out there and get mom's ashes. This is going to take the entire day to do this. I mean the entire day. Four buses and hours of waiting for the buses. The four buses is just one way, then the same on the way back. I have to leave my home, in White Rock, very early, just to be able to get out to Mission for 1:00 pm. I would say 5 hours to get there and the same or more coming back. And the one bus doesn't run from Aldergrove to Abbostford that often. Certain times and that is it. This is going to happen this coming week. Only if I can get the two girls to agree upon a day and time. And the time has to be 1:00 pm, No latter or no earlier. I have to take a bus and have to arrange everything around the bus schedule. A dilemma.
I have no even begun to grieve for my mother. I have no idea what stage I am at or anything. I need to walk down the street and speak with the bereavement counselors and make an appointment to see someone.
Well that was my day and what I thought about today. Got to go now
GOD bless and goodnight
Kristopher Schmuland
