Hello again
Not so depressed today. But yesterday was a nightmare. I just hatted everyone. Didn't matter who you were, I just didn't like you. This did carry over into today, but not as harsh. I did not want to speak with anyone and however was speaking with me, they were just down right, irritating. I really just want to be left alone, That is the way it is when I get into this kind of mood. It has become worse since my mother passed away.
This is to be expected. Damn it has only been almost 4 months since she passed away and I still have not begun the grieving process.I have done a little grieving. I have cried allot over the last few months. Hell, I have cried while I have been writing these posts. And not just once. Many, many times. I sit here writing and something I write brings back memories of mom, so I just keep writing, letting the tears stream down my face. The eyes do get a little blurry.
Now over the last few days, I have found myself, drawn to Al Hogg. I have been wanting to speak to my mother, hold her hand and just be. I do miss holding her hand. That was an everyday, all day thing. Mom, as soon as I arrived, reached out her hand, for mine. I would just grab it and not let go. I could do all with just my one hand. OK, not everything. But you do understand what I am saying.
It was the best part of my day, being there, looking after mom, holding her hand. Then after she was ready to sleep. I held her hand until she was asleep and her hand loosened up, so I could pull my hand out from her's. She held my hand so tightly. Many times, I would think she was asleep, but as soon as I tried to pull my hand free, her grip would tighten. Just beautiful. This made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to her. And the truth be know, I WAS THAT PERSON. She knew it and I knew it.
There was no one else who would do the things I did and care for her the way I did. But once again I say there has never been and there will never be, anything as wonderful and beautiful as what I did for my mother. My life was hers and I loved every moment of it. I cannot think of anything I have done in my life or anything that I might do in my life, that equals my taking care of my mother. Nothing ever will beat that.
I have done what I was to do with my life. And that is take care of my mother. A gift from GOD. I know I was told to do this. That is why it was so easy, no frustration, no impatience,. I just did it with no regret. When GOD gives you something to do, It just works out and everything just moves along smoothly.
Yes I had to fight for mom's rights. But it was easy for me. No trouble at all. I l enjoyed it. And again, it just fell into place. Whatever I did, fighting for her rights, getting them to take mom off of certain medications etc...... It was a breeze. For me anyways. Other's no. That is because it was not what they were to do. They didn't have it in them to do nothing even close to what I did for my mother.
I will say this again. 98% of the worlds population would not do what I did for my mother. They don't have it in them. It is a rare gift that one is given. And if you follow that path, all will just fall into place. As it did with me.
OK, I am not the most liked person in the world. When it comes to the health care industry within the LowerMainland. But I really don't care in the least. OK I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me. I have no room in my head for hatters. Not my problem.
I have my own things I have to do, and they are going to be even more upset with me.
I was rudely interrupted by these people I need to get away from.
Next month I am out of here. And I hope it is right away. As in "we have a suite that is vacant right now." And I hope I have the funds to do this as soon as I find such a place.
The biggest obstacle will be the fact that I have bad credit. Of course I do, I took care of my mother. That was my job for a dozen years. I didn't get paid for it. So no work history, to them. And applying for a suite, they might want to check my credit. I have a good reference, And I will just explain the "why" I have no history. But what I did could not be taught at any job.
I will just have to have a little faith that it is going to work out. And it will. GOD doesn't want me to be living in this. I knew last year it was a bad idea and I knew it when I moved in. I just didn't listen.
And now the end.for another day or two.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
