Hello again
So this weekend was OK, but today, being almost three 3 months since mom passed away. It was a difficult day for me. To many memories were just coming back to me, pouring in. I look at my mother's photo's and I start to cry and think that I just don't want to be around anymore. My life's work, what I feel I was put here to do. Is over and I don't know what to do.
Move on, people say. Can you move on if you spent the last 10 years caring for someone. I think not.It is not like a job, it is far more emotionally intense. Seeing the decline of your loved one, Knowing that there is going to be and end. But not knowing when that will be. It could be now, it could be 10 years from now. I had to deal with that every single day.
Mom would go down hill a little and I would think, is this the end. Bur pray that mom would hang in there and get better. She does, until the next time. Or watching the staff so closely. Making sure they don't do anything to make your loved one worse off. Which as we all know, is exactly what happened at the end. They went against my word and it killed my mother.
I really have nothing left. Just to give mom and memorial service and that is it. Then, unless something extraordinary happens, I am done.I don't see what is on the horizon for me. Nothing. I have no job, I am disabled. I have no girlfriend. I am living in a place that was a big mistake. But the one thing about moving here, is I didn't do it while mom was alive. I would never bring anyone over. I don't and won;t. I can't bring a girl here or anyone.
These are nightmare people. A huge mistake. If I could, I would be gone, now.
So again, I sit in my room. I do not and will not associate with these people.
My mother was my world and for the most part, is still my world.
I just want to give mom and memorial service and that will be that.
I look for help and there is no help for anybody, from anybody. I have no family.....
I am alone, without anyone to share my burdens with. To just listen to me. I ride the bus, because I have nothing to do.
This week I pick up mom's ashes. Then what. I can't give mom a service, I can't bury her where my grandparents are buried.
I am not creeped out from having mom's ashes with me in my room. Not at all.
Again I am asking for your help to give mom a service.
https://www.gofundme.com/ka556fdk
I need to go now, I am hungry as I have not been eating properly as of late
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
