Hello again
Excuse me for not writing, but I have been going through a very ruff patch. To the point I had to take myself to the hospital. I was there for a day, I had a panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack.
No heart attack, I am now just going through the stress of my mother passing away. It has only been two months since she passed away and I have not even had the chance to grieve. I was so busy dealing with the issue of mom's ashes, that I couldn't. But now that this issue is solved and I get my mother's ashes, everything is coming down upon me. All the emotions are just pouring in.
I got what I wanted, so now what. My days were occupied by going to the court house, speaking with lawyers and the self help centre. Filling out the paper work to present my case to the Supreme Court. And at night, going over everything, thinking about everything. Not having mom's ashes, having to deal with this nonsense to begin with.
My mother passes away and immediately I have to deal with this BS. Right away. No time for anything.
Now it is done. I have the signed, sealed letter, giving me my mother's ashes.
I had to get myself to the hospital. And while there I needed to speak with a psychiatrist, to see if I am suicidal or not. How I am doing, what am I doing to grieve and get through this. Nothing I said. I am not suicidal. I have nothing and no one anymore. Thought about it, but no, I am not.
We spoke for a long time, the psychiatrist, He suggested I take time for myself. To just be alone and to think about everything, before speaking with a psychologist or psychiatrist. To go places that make me feel good and to reflect. Just get away. I told him I am just not in the mood to speak with anyone. I just want to be alone. . I am not even answering my phone. I just don't care.
He told me if that is what it is going to take to get you to open up and see someone about your mother's passing, than that is what it's going to take. You need to start looking after you. He told me.
I do understand this, but no one else seems to get it.
I gave my entire life to my mother and father and than my mother. Everything I was and did was for mom. And that is no lie. Mom was my life. Doing whatever was necessary to make sure mom was happy and well taken care of.
For over a decade I did this. Yes it was my choice and I have no regrets about doing this either. Yet it seems no one even understands what I did. Yea you took care of your mother. It was more than that.
I fought for her rights on many, many occasions. I made sure that the doctors were not giving mom anything that was harmful to her. If they did I made sure mom was taken off these drugs immediately. There was nothing I didn't do to make sure mom was OK, taken care of properly.
I fed her, I sang to her, I changed her, I put her to bed, I was her hands, her voice, her advocate. I stayed every night until she fell asleep. Holding her hand, until she let go. I never missed a single day in over 4 1/2 years, in White Rock. And never a day, while she was in Coquitlam. I did everything I could to get mom into a place in Coquitlam, but the doctors screwed that up for mom and I. Changing her medicine right before she was being examed to be placed in a home, in Coquitlam. So off to White Rock she went. And off I went on my 3 hour journey each and everyday. No regrets.
But the pain I went through watching mom decline. Watching mom slowly loosing all of her abilities. Loosing her voice, Not being able to do anything with her arms anymore. Trying to help her, To get her up walking, To try to get mom to write again. It was very painful for me to see this. I never showed any pain in front of mom. I cried my way up to the bus stop on many nights. And all the way back home.
I loved my mother with all my heart and soul. I never did enough for her I could of done more. These are the thought's that I am left with. Everyday I think about it now. All day long I feel the guilt of not doing more for her. I could of got mom out and about more. I could of done this, or I could of done that. It is never ending now. Just all the time I feel like crap. That it is my fault that she passed away so soon. She could of lived another 10 years if I would of done more for her. If I would of made the doctors listen to me, instead of just sitting back. But I never sat back, I was telling them everyday that there was something wrong with mom. No one listened to me.
So I feel extremely guilty for not doing more to get there attention. To make them do something about it before it was to late. As it was.
Do you see my dilemma. I don't think you do. I don't think anyone really understands what it was that I did for my mother. without sitting down with me and letting you know everything I did for all those years.
But I didn't do enough!!!!!!!!
Mom passed away. It is my fault.........................................
This is why the doctor told me to get to see someone as soon as I can. But I am broke, I have nothing. I can't afford to pay to see someone. So what do I do about this. Well the answer is nothing. To see a psychiatrist, I have to wait 6 months, at least. What do I do in the mean time.
Absolutely nothing.
I need to grieve. I need to have a service for mom. Mom and I need that closure.
I need the closure, of a memorial service for mom. That is one thing that the doctor said might help me. There was to be a service, but as you know, my sisters canceled it. And now, no money for it. I am trying to do something about it. But no one even gives a .............. you know what I was going to write.
My life is over as it stands. I am a lost sheep. I have no direction. It is only two months since she passed away. Why can't anyone even get this. Why don't they understand. How do I change my entire life in two months.
Yea everyone has an answer. But it is the wrong answer. You go through what I went through for the last decade. Thats right, most of the world would not of done what I did for my parent .
People say you sacrifice your entire life for your mother. Damn straight I did and I would do it all over again. Hands down, without a doubt And I don't even say that I sacrifice anything.
You see. I DID WHAT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. LOOK AFTER YOUR LOVED ONE. HONOR YOUR PARENTS.
I don't have regrets about this. But I am hurting and feeling. I don't even know what I am feeling.
I do know one thing for sure. That since I no longer have to fight for my mother's ashes, I am a mess and everything is now coming at me.
I just can't be around anyone. Not even my roommates. I need to get away until late so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I am suffering right now. I am lonely right now. I miss my mother greatly. I hurt. I need space.
GOD bless and goodnight.
Kristopher W.A. Schmuland
