Hello again
So today is one of those days where I just want to walk into the woods and that will be that. But I could never do that to my mother. I could give a crap about myself. I am upset that no matter how much I do or try, I never seem to get a head or even get something happening. And I am at this daily... I am on the phone, Online etc...... Everyday.
I apply for this or that, and nothing is happening. Yes it is my day to completely complain. I am soaking wet and cold.
Really, the only thing I want is to be living in White Rock/South Surrey. They boarder each other. One side of the street is White Rock, the other South Surrey. Sure there are places, but just out of my financial reach. And this really pisses me off greatly.
I don't ask for much, I make due with what I have. Yes, my clothing is from when I was 80 LBS heavier. And it looks like it, as well. Baggy as hell. I now need another belt. The one I just bought not long ago is to big for me. Can't even afford this. Bitch, bitch, bitch. OK! I have more to complain about, but I am done.
Off to more important matters.
Yes it does bother me and weighs heavy upon me watching mom's health deteriorate and watching mom loose the ability to use her arm and hand, to walk, to speak etc..... It is hard to watch. But I will never let mom know this. She needs someone their for her, that is simply going to love her no matter what is going on with her.
Mom is fine, besides all of this. Healthy. She has a great appetite. I made mom a great fish dinner, with a grain salad, and she ate all of it.Plus some of the dinner that was served to her. And the papaya, avocado and chocolate. The only problem, OK, not so much of a problem. I have just been spoiling mom with dessert. These small mouse cakes. Different berry flavors. And I can't afford any right now. But mom is looking all over the table to see if there is any. I tell mom that I can't afford any right now and I would not hide it from her. Well if I get a few at once, I make sure they are for a few days. Mom has a sweet tooth and would eat all of them.
I get freaked out when mom has too much sugar. My father ate so much Halloween candy, that night he had a serious stroke. Which was his ending. It took less than a year after this, when he passed away.
I feel guilty about this, as it was me who put the candy there to begin with. And when I returned that night it was all gone. That was the night he had his stroke. Yes it was not me who ate it. But I feel responsible, none the less. And I carry this guilt with me, daily. I feel that if I didn't leave all the candy/chocolate out, he wouldn't of had the stroke and would still be alive. This is another burden I carry.
I am needing to go now. Get mom's laundry out of the dryer and get to bed. Well go and watch a few shows. Or something.
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
