Hello again
Today a staff member told me that I will have allot stored up because of what I do. I can say this that there is nothing stored up for me. Nothing at all.
Today is my Birthday, and the only good that was today. is the fact I saw mom. That I was there for mom. That I was able to completely relax her. Relax her to the point that her left hand ( normally it is clinched so tight that to put lotion on her hand is difficult. But today her hand was relaxed and open.
This is because I now have put her to bed for the last two days. Mom gets tired of sitting in her wheelchair all day long. And after dinner, she just wants to relax. And have her spa treatment. I wish someone could of seen her face today.
By doing this mom is able to speak clearly. This is what I have been working for. To relax her. I know mom speaks clearly, and it took allot of work and trying different things to get her to this point. And now I just need to continue with this treatment and mom's speech will improve greatly.
I really do wish someone would see what I do for mom. And what this does for her. And how she feels afterwards.
Now I know that the staff put her to bed and I hope that they will not stop this new practice. This is what mom wants and should get. Not waiting to be put into her bed. Mom has even allowed me to change her into her nightgown. Of course I cover her up and keep her covered while changing her.
Mom is comfortable with me helping her. She completely relies on me to be their for her. And I am completely willing to do whatever it is that she needs.
I will not stop putting her to bed. This new practice is doing wanders for her psyche. Hiding from mortality is something I will not do. I will and am facing it head on.
This whole thing is extremely emotional for me. But imagine what my mother is feeling. She knows that her life is falling away and some of her children didn't even visit her on mother's day. No flowers, card etc............ And my mother is still feeling the effects of my sisters not coming to visit her.
I understand that they cannot face what is happening to mom. It is not mom, they say to themselves.
Mom is still mom. But changing and it is our turn to be their for her. As she did for us. Always there when anything went wrong. When everything went right. There to sew a torn blouse. Put a bandage on a boo boo. There for to host the family dinners. Christmas, and all the special occasions. For not just the immediate family. But to all, who were welcome.
When the staff member said I was storing, whatever, up I started to tear up. I cry allot. I try to check it at the door and be strong for mom. Yet I am not able to suppress it all the time. I need my mother. I am nothing without her.
I am nothing, and if it were not for what I do for my mother. I would probably just take a walk into the mountains behind my home and just, I except what is happening. I excepted it when dad passed away. But I didn't like it. We did not always get along. But I miss my father.
I am a mommy's boy. Mom was always there for me and I will always be there for her. No matter what. I want mom to live as long as possible. And to do whatever it takes to make her life happier. More comfortable. No matter what it takes.
I cry and I cry allot. Today is one of those days. I am crying for my mother. I am crying for my own pity. I am crying because I can't even buy my mother a coke or the chocolate she loves. I am crying as I don't even know what I am going to do for mom tomorrow. I am crying as I can't even get mom a pair of sunglasses, so the lights in the building don't bother her anymore. So I can take her outside and mom can open her eyes and see everything around her. The beauty that is our world.
Life is pain. I go to sleep in pain, I wake up in pain and I travel in pain. But when I get to mom's I try to put the pain on hold. Today I am in extreme pain. To the point where I am having a hard time even walking. I am doubled over just typing this blog. I am outside again and this is what I have to do.
But life is beautiful. It is beautiful that I have a great relationship with mom. It is beautiful to endure pain for someone I care about. Isn't that what life is about. I have seen more in the last 7 years than anyone has. I see the beauty in every moment I spend with my mother. The beauty that is my mother. And all she is. Mom is and has been the only one I listen too. And still do.
Mom still gives me advice.
Now this day. My Birthday. I have nothing and did nothing. I will go to bed tonight, hungry. Not eating anything today. And today I am furiously hungry. And, well starving. I normally deal with it. But today is harder than ever.
I am seeing things anew today. Life is changing and I have to be there to change with it. I am having a very hard time. More than a hard time. Today I find it difficult to even catch my breath. I am tired of not.
I need to give mom everything she deserves and more. My life is only to serve my mother. I have nothing and am nothing without her.
I am going now. I have enough pity in me now, to well. I don't know. But I go now, to try and sleep with the growling in my stomach. None like it before. I will be.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris Schmuland
