Hello again
Blame an interesting word. First I don't blame anyone for my position in life. I have been thinking about this today, and it was brought to my attention, by, well, myself.
I am the one who became an alcoholic, I put the beer to my lips. I am the one who was a pot head. No one forced me to do anything. I have not drank anything or smoked anything in a very, very long time. And I am extremely glad that I am straight.
I do, however have a very good education. And that was paid for by myself. No student loans involved. It was paid for by allot of pain. Car accident settlements paid for it. I do, however, still suffer everyday from pain. I have just learned to deal with it. So to look at me, you would not know I was in pain. I am not going to play it up.
I have thing to do and I need to see mom everyday. So I cannot let the pain interfere with my life. I have to just put it in it's place.
A little box in the back of my mind. This is where I store the pain. A trick I picked up many years ago.
I am a nice person, basically. Everywhere I go, throughout the Lower Mainland. People like me and remember me. I have great conversations with different people everyday, all the time.
I could just go into a coffee shop once and then the next time the person remembers exactly what I am drinking and is glad to see me again.
This, however, does not translate into friends. I just know allot of people. And I can tell you right now, know one will be at my funeral.
Yes my funeral. I am hoping to live longer than my mother. So I can put her to rest next to her parents,with my fathers ashes. Who knows though.
But in the mean time, I am here to do everything for my mother. I am glad I have an education, I am glad I write, I am glad I am their for my mother everyday. As I am. And this is the way I need it to be. As their is nothing else.
I need to be doing something for others. As I spent allot of my life. Being, well, useless. Except for my education and the great position I had in the states.
I have had my own business, learned allot, made mistakes. Tried to restart it. But mom needed things and I needed to be their for her. And the Public Guardian and Trustee of BC would not release any funds, so I could purchase the needed items for Mom.
Oh wait, the same thing is happening again. Mom is moving and needs allot of things and the Public Guardian and Trustee of BC is refusing to release any funds so mom can have a room that is appealing and relaxing. Some place she can call her own, for now.
I still am looking and praying that I get a place so mom can be with me their. So mom does not have to go through what dad went through. When he passed away. In a seniors home.
Mom deserves to be in a peaceful and relaxing environment. Surrounded by beautiful things. And her family.
Yes I said family. I may think what I think about my sisters and I know what they did to my father. The war veteran. Who should of had a veterans funeral. Not cremated, as he was. Cheaply. As my sisters don't want to spend the money. More for them, these are their words not mine.
My younger sister left me a voice mail. This was just after dad passed away. Stating that I am not going to get any of the inheritance.
I phoned her and left a message of my own. It stated, what inheritance, mom is still alive and I hope she uses every bit of it. Because I want nothing of it.
But again, they are family, and if mom and I get a place. My sisters will have full access to her, anytime they want to see mom. I would never stop this.
But I am going to put a stop to my sisters removing things from moms room.
I digress. Back to blame.
I blame everyone, well not everyone, but most of them. At River view for the way mom is now. They crippled her and contributed to mom being more advanced in her Dementia than she should be. I blame them for the lack of treatment. That was promised. And the same staff that made the same promise where mom is now. To get her up walking. This is why they banned me from walking her.
Oh wait. That was because they did not want to be libel in case anything happened to mom while I was walking her. Those, again are their exact words.
I am a paper junky, so I keep everything. This includes all emails I receive. And send out. I print them and file them.
I am still very upset about the malicious way the social worker did this. Again, knowing full well, that if I knew it was to be shared accommodations. The answer would of been NO.
I am to be here for mom at all turns, in her life. This is what I am suppose to do. I know it, and I have know it for along time. Before mom and dad became ill.
If you believe in GOD you will understand this statement. I was told I am to do this by GOD. That I am going to be doing this. That this is part of my life's plan. Who am I to argue with GOD.
It is GOD who put us here and it is GOD that knows what are life's plan is. After all, he predestined it.
As someone put it. My life is none of my business. This meaning, that what the future holds is not where I should be concentrated on. I should be looking at the present. What is happening right now. Tomorrow will be here soon enough. And when it comes, deal with it then. What is the most important thing, is how you Love one another right here and now. The smile you give the stranger on the train. The hello you say to the lady in the street.
Helping someone out, just because you can. Not expecting anything in return. And then going on your way. These are the best things that can happen throughout the day. Holding a door open. Letting someone go a head of you in the line.
I could go on and on, but I will stop now.
I was able to get mom a fresh coke today. Thanks to my roommates empties. But nothing else.
I will go early today. So I could get her stuff ready for Monday morning. But I have nothing to bring her. And again tonight. Moms dinner tonight was not what she wanted and was not that good. She ate what she could. I could see that she did not enjoy it.
Once in a while, they do have good dinners. But bland. So this is why I carry sauces with me.
Yet the bags I have are almost done. On their very last leg.
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
