Hello again
I spoke, again, with the grief counselor and we discussed my faith. What I am doing now is just not working anymore. I read the word and it isn't the same. I believe I have no faith anymore. But it could be I just need to find out what the next step in my faith that might work, or not. Over the last many years I have had faith, but the last few years I could feel it changing. Not the same. I understand the word very well. I can give examples that one can apply to their real world situations. OK I can't quote the bible exactly, but I can tell one what it means and how to use it, or how to take it. This is what it says in the bible, take it for what you will.
We discussed my guilt towards not doing as much as I could during mom's last few weeks. That I feel I should of fought harder against the staff to make sure they did exactly as I stated. They thought they knew better than me. Wrong. I have dealt with this for a very long time. Years before my mother became ill. I have done my research, extensive research on all the modern approaches to dealing with Alzheimer's and strokes. More than I can say they have done. They are all old school. I am up to date on this subject.
As well as we discussed what I need to be doing to help deal with my grief. Needing to change things so my life is simple and not complicated, as it is now. You understand without me saying anything.
I want to talk about mom more. OK I want to talk about mom allot more. Who she was, how she was, what happened during the last months of her life. I wrote down what happened. But that is not speaking on my beautiful mom.
It is a shame that I am in this situation. I did not trust my own intuition. That said it was a wrong choice to make. But I needed out of where I was and out right away. To many memories and I could barely deal with it, just being there only for a few hours each day. Besides sleeping. I would not of been able to deal with that place with the amount of time I now have on my hands.
It will be better, I hope. I am just upset, I feel I am being punished because I took care of my mother all those years. I feel guilty by even making that statement. I did what was right, but that also wrecked my credit rating. So when I apply, that is checked and it is not good.
OK I am done again. I need to be up really early tomorrow. I most likely not get much sleep. Being an insomniac. I am still use to being up late. As I don't want to get back until late. Than write, download and watch. I am still behind in my correspondence. Hard to catch up when one doesn't get back until 10 pm. .
I will try to write again tomorrow night. Doctors appointment the next morning Friday, at 11 am.
Sincerely
Kristopher Schmuland
