Hello again
I am sorry I have not been here in a few days. My computer has been giving me allot of problems. Just not working properly. I have been spending my time fixing it. It is not completely fixed, but getting there. I am just going to purchase a new one and factory reset this one.
I know I have problems. I was at the Canada Celebration last night and day. There were so many people. I have problems with crowds to begin with. I thought I had fixed that issue. Oh no. I was being pushed and shoved around. I couldn't get out when I wanted too. I had a severe anxiety attack. I was freaking out. I was yelling at people to get the blank out of my way, I am having an anxiety attack. Do you think people would move. Yes you know the answer.
When I finally was able to get away from the crowd, I was shaking like crazy. I was sweating and I felt as if I was having a heart attack. Then and there. I sat down, pulled out a cigarette, my tea. I took my phone out of my pocket and turned on some soft jazz, to calm my spirit. It was almost an hour before I could even get up and move.
Luckily, I know the streets downtown, so I walked the long way, through back streets and allies, to get to the transit hub. Everything was still going on downtown. Canada Celebration. I just had to get away from there.
I spend allot of time in downtown Vancouver. But not with that many people. I really thought I was getting over this problem. I am still very angry and upset. I am not doing well today with people and myself. I have tried to avoid everybody.
Try telling this to these people here that I live with. No stop bullshit. I can't take it anymore. If something doesn't change I am going to seriously freak out, have a melt down.
I really need everyone to understand something. The only good thing I have ever done with my life is taking care of and looking after my mother. THAT IS IT! not yelling, making a point.
I am looking at where I am now and I am in the exact same place that I was in, before I started to look after my mother. EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE. again not yelling.
A LOOSER. now I am yelling
Going now where, not getting anything done. I am stuck and I can't get any help from anyone. Not even the doctors. Nothing. I thought there would be some place that would understand my situation and help me to get out of it. Right away.
Yes I need to see a Psychiatrist as soon as possible. Maybe I should just check myself into the psy ward at the hospital. And tell them I am hearing voices telling me to do this or that. Yuck. even writing it makes me cringe.Yea I don't think so. But I am going to let the doctor know about what happened to me yesterday. Folks it wasn't pretty. I was not me.OK I was me experiencing something horrible.
And today it is still with me. The anxiety, the fear, the frustration and most importantly, the anger
Ok I need to go now. Just have to calm myself down.
Sincerely
Kristopher Schmuland
