Hello again
I spoke with my grief counselor and he mentioned to me about celebrating achievements. As in getting my drivers license back. It is just another piece of picture ID. Big deal, or finding a place. It is not my own place though. Almost. So what.
I am a middle age man who has nothing. No wife,no children, no home. I don't even have life insurance or home insurance, as a real man would have. Yes I am saying I am less of a man because of this. Nothing.
Looking after my mother was the best thing I have ever done in my life. I am not complaining about it. I am just saying that was the best thing I have ever done. It was a gift and a pleasure. Nothing will and has ever compared to doing this. NOTHING
Everything is because of my mother's passing. Nothing more nothing less. I would rather have mom around than anything.
I need to plan a memorial service for mom and I need someone to assist me in the planning. I can pay for the service and the photo cards, but not the reception. So I have to get all that together. I have never done anything like this before. A video montage, memorial table, video of the service. Putting that all together afterwards. Plus the arrangement of the reception.Food, drinks etc....... I don't even know where to rent a Coffee urn.
Anyways. My depression is worsening. Especially after the counselor brought up celebrating. As I said I have nothing to celebrate. I don't even know if I am actually happy. What is happy. What is joy, I know pain, I know suffering. I know what it is like to be in multiple car accidents and being hurt. I know what it is like to be in pain all day, everyday.
I will continue to just try to be, whatever.
I don't want to be here, I just want to run away. Or something. Anything but what I am feeling.
Please pray for my soul
GOD bless and good night
Kris Schmuland
I don't even have anyone to help me move. Sure I will get the Uhaul, But I only have a few friends and they won't help. Or not able to help. We will see what happens the rest of the month.
