Hello again
Loneliness! I understand this very well. I am alone, and most likely will die alone. I have no one in my life. And because I do this for my mother, all my friends went away. Even friends of 27 years. No girlfriend, not in a very long time. I have dated, but they don't seem to get the fact that between this time and that time, I am busy. I will not abandon my mother. So I know what it is to be alone and to be lonely.
I will not do this to my mother. I want her to know that there will be someone there for her, holding her hand until the end. GOD bless it doesn't happen anytime soon.
I do what I do, number one, it is the right thing to do and number two, we all need someone and her husband, my dad, passed away 7 years ago. And I promised I would look after mom. This I am doing and will always do. I am going to make sure mom is not alone.
Because she can't speak as we do, the other residents don't speak with her. I don't shut up when I am their with her. I think sometimes mom just wishes I would stop talking so much.
It is a sad thing to be stuck where she is, I just want to make it more enjoyable for her.
I really need to emphasize that she needs me to be their for her. It brings about a whole different attitude when I am their. Sometimes I wish there was someone whom I could come home to and let them know what I am feeling or to discuss these things with. Just to have someone there to listen to me.
I am alone and I have come to accept this. It is not a bad thing. Sometimes it is, but it is OK! I know what it is I am in-store for. It has been a very long time since I have had someone to talk too.
This is why I go to counselors, to talk about what it is like in my little world.
And I don't need mom to know what is going on or if I am lonely. Not her problem. GOD knows she has enough of her own.
My mother can not be alone. I will not let this happen. No matter what, I make it their every single day. No matter which way I have to go.
It is important that we all have someone who will be their for them. Again, I am OK with being alone.
Mom is first, I am last.
GOD bless and good night.
Kristopher Schmuland.
