Hello again
Tonight is not going to be a night with allot of sleep. I am not sure if I will get a call from the hospital telling me mom has passed away.
Mom is not happy and told me she wanted to be with dad. And is tired of this nonsense, tired of being in this place and not being moved like we have been told.
Right after I arrived, I noticed mom was drugged again, and was really stoned. But my mood quickly changed and it became a cry fest. I was listening to mom tell me, that she wanted to walk, and not be stuck in the wheelchair.
Mom was pointing at the family photo and wanting all of us to get together for her. Mom was telling me if she goes I can get better clothing. Rather than spending the money on clothing and shoes for her. I have only a few articles of clothing left.
But I told her, I don't care about cloths. I only care about mom and being their for her. If mom goes I would be following her shortly. I am only here to help her, be their for her. And do everything I can for her.
I don't care if I eat or dress well. You see mom is use to me dressing well. This is how she raised me to look my best at all times. But mom only sees me in bum clothing. It is all I have and I don't care if I am dressed in rags. As long as I can make sure mom's life is full and wonderful.
Nothing matters to me, but looking after mom. Nothing at all. I will walk to see her if I have too.
I am upset that I am such a looser, that I don't have a car to take her to the ocean, to see her friends. Mrs Elliott, especially. I begged her forgiveness for this.
Mom was telling me it is time for her to go. To be with dad, as she can't take this life anymore. What life is what she said. Just being locked down, and not even able to move about the place. Being stuck in a corner, facing the wall, the bathroom. The lights are to bright for her. They hurt her eyes. This is due to the drugs she is being forced to take.
Mom is not doing well. She wants to move, and move now. She does not want to be anywhere near this staff anymore. I don't blame her.
The nurse who made this defamatory statement against me, keeps looking at me and watching me. This is defiantly harassment.
I feel that the staff are abusing her. Actually I know they are. Mom wants to be in bed at 7 pm and she has to wait until the staff decides to take her to the washroom. Usually one hour. On average. Mom is always dehydrated. She is drinking a bottle of water everyday, plus her juice and some of the coke.
Mom looks around her room, and it is a bare and uncomfortable place. Not like the room I made for her, when she was in Abbostford. I bought her a new bedroom suite, I bought prints for her wall, of local artists, numbered and signed prints. I had them framed to match each other. 4 of them. And all new bedroom furniture. A nice little stereo.
And guess what, it all disappeared. Just vanished. Like everything else. her clothing and jewelry. I want to make her a beautiful room.
But I can't do this while she is locked up. Against her will. Mom needs to be in a better place. And that place is death. This is what mom is thinking. This is what mom thinks is the best place for her. To be with dad.
I don't blame her. I am a looser, but I am free to come and go as I like. Mom can't even get outside. Well this is my fault. I could get their earlier and take her outside for a walk. And to explore, get fresh air. I will have to do this.
I am a recovering or recovered alcoholic. 11 years now. And all I have wanted to do for other's. To be their for mom, as I was for my father, before he passed away from this disease. And I was their to help mom with my grandfather, while he was living with mom and dad. Yes I moved home to do this. As I was recently divorced and I needed a place to live,. Well not so recently divorced. A drunk and could not afford to even pay my own bills. Even though I am an educated man. I was not doing anything with it. I was just a drunk and pot head.
No more. And I have traveled my city, to be their for my parents.
I don't want mom to give up. Life is to precious for her to just give up. There is so much I want to do for mom. I want her to see so many things.
This is why I have to get a car. Move to White Rock. Get mom out for days and overnight. A two bedroom place. To get furniture.
To just be their and do everything for mom as I can. I ask for help from everyone. And I don't get any help at all. I will continue to do what I can, but I really need help.
I just get by, OK I don't get by. I have nothing left over after paying the rent. Ok I do get help from the PGT with the bus pass every month. This is my mother's money. And I feel guilty each and every time I get on the bus. Without it, I could not get their. Ok I lie, I could get their some how. As I walked and hitched hiked and whatever else I did to get to see mom and dad in Mission. Where their is no public transit.
You see when I was a drunk, I didn't care about anyone else except me and getting drunk and high. I only smoked pot. But this was bad enough.
I am very glad I quit. This is the second time I quit. My twenties were straight and my thirties I was a mess and then now, straight. I smoke though, and I really want to quit.
I am so upset right now. I won't be sleeping tonight. I don't want to get a phone call telling me mom is gone. Mom really doesn't want to be their and is willing to just let go. And move on. By moving on, I mean. You know what.
I have been balling my face off while writing this. And I don't even know what I have been writing. I just know that it is selfish, but I don't want mom to go yet. As if she does, my life is over. I have nothing left. Besides being their for my mother I have nothing. If mom goes I have nothing left to live for.
O hell I will just dust myself off when mom goes. I have nothing left to live for and do . My whole life is being their for mom.
I don't know what to do. I tried to calm her down. I think I did, but I could see in her face, she was just saying things to make me feel better.
It has not been a good few days, or weeks now. I see and feel mom is giving up. And their is no one to help me, no one to help me get a car, or move to White Rock, or get furniture to have mom move in with me.
I don't want mom to die in a hospital. As dad did. Especially this one.
I am going now
GOD bless and good night.
Kris
